Breaking: Israeli-Palestinian conflict unexpectedly solved during SGA debate
A large crowd gathered for the SGA meeting regarding the BDS movement on November 15, 2017. (Elliot Scarangello / The Diamondback)
An Inconvenient Youth is a humor column in which everything is made up and the jokes don’t matter.
Following the SGA Student Affairs Committee’s heated student debate regarding a proposed resolution in support of the BDS movement on Wednesday, the SGA hosted an unexpected joint press conference announcing they had agreed on an effective, comprehensive solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
“I have to say, at first I was skeptical that one night of public comments from Maryland’s student body would quickly resolve this emotional, multifaceted 69-year international relations quagmire,” admitted SGA president A.J. Pruitt, who was interrupted briefly by reporters snickering at the number ’69.’ “But after the progress we made in these last few hours, it looks like we’ll be clearing this whole mess up by Thanksgiving.”
“Turns out all we needed to solve the conflict was a fresh set of eyes,” agreed SGA Speaker of the Legislature Jonathan Allen. “Once we got past the first few speedbumps regarding Gazan rocket fire, retaliatory home demolitions and the resettlement of millions of Palestinian refugees, it didn’t take us more than 15 minutes to hammer out a rough draft.”
Although details of the agreement have not yet been made public, an anonymous source involved in the proceedings confirmed the deal would include full Palestinian autonomy over the West Bank, increased Israeli border security and an international treaty protecting both nations’ falafel rights.
Reuven Bank, former opinion editor and writer who will definitely stick to less controversial topics after receiving future backlash from this column, is a junior biology; ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.