An Inconvenient Youth is a weekly humor column, in which everything is made up and the jokes don’t matter.
DEVELOPING: In an off-camera press briefing held in a spacious White House storage closet, Sean Spicer informed reporters he was resigning as press secretary to spend more time deflecting questions from his wife and kids. The announcement followed weeks of speculation over the spokesman/Easter bunny cosplayer’s increasingly diminished role in the Trump administration.
“After months spent honorably serving the American public, Secretary Spicer will return home to resume dodging his wife’s questions regarding whether he remembered to take out the trash,” an official White House statement read.
The former Republican National Committee chief strategist is expected to redirect much of his combative style of argument toward domestic pursuits. Spicer is reportedly off to an ambitious start, with plans to defend a “total and complete shutdown” on all puppies entering his home until his children promise to clean their rooms at least twice a week.
Spicer’s future plans include engaging in contentious arguments while shopping for groceries, allegedly centered on claims that his wife Rebecca intentionally underestimated the size of his appetite for clam chowder.
In his sole public statement following his resignation, Spicer emphasized that he was just happy to finally take away a high-profile acting role from Melissa McCarthy. The Rhode Island native also announced he was looking forward to once again being able to hang out “among the bushes” in his backyard. Additionally, an anonymous source within the Spicer household confirmed Sean has recently banned Russian salad dressing from the dinner table.
Update: Leaked reports suggest that Spicer has since encountered obstacles in his transition back to civilian life. He has reportedly already apologized to Rebecca for comparing her control of their apartment thermostat to Nazi Germany, alleging that “Hitler didn’t even use this much air conditioning.” Meanwhile, efforts to shift the focus of conversations from television channel disputes to Hillary Clinton’s emails have been less than successful.
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and writer who will now have to think of jokes that don’t involve Sean Spicer, is a junior ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.