An Inconvenient Youth is a weekly satire column, in which everything is made up and the jokes don’t matter. Please send all complaints to Rand Paul’s personal barber.
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Following months of failed settlement negotiations, a spokesman for Sen. Bernie Sanders announced Tuesday that the Vermont politician would be suing Goldstein’s Deli for the immoral mayonnaise distribution in their sandwiches. This statement signaled a sharp escalation in the dispute between the deli and their former most frequent customer, as Goldstein’s management accused the septuagenarian of misdirecting his sense of populist injustice toward their lunch meat.
The rift began in late 2016, when Sanders, struggling to achieve a sense of purpose following his defeat in the Democratic primary, lashed out at the deli for their alleged culinary misconduct. “99 percent of the sandwich is covered in 1 percent of the mayo. This deli is rigged!” Sanders kvetched at the time. “And while I’m at it, I’m sick and tired of hearing about your damn specials menu!”
“He’s been having a tough time adjusting to post-election life,” said Jeff Weaver, former manager of the Sanders campaign, “and we thought this deli crusade would serve as a good outlet for his cantankerous musings.” However, after the senator followed up his initial outburst with months of continued outrage, his staff grew concerned.
“Bernie just won’t stop raving about ‘big pumpernickel’ and the ‘mustard industrial complex,'” Weaver added. “We’re starting to get nervous.”
Sanders even went so far as to lead a protest of confused millennials outside of the deli’s entrance.
“At first, I thought he was here to demonstrate against the diner’s minimum wage,” explained Brooklyn resident and fervent Bernie Bro Moshe Leibowitz. “But after ten minutes of him ranting about the proper ratio of corned beef to mayonnaise in a Reuben sandwich, I started to ask some questions.” The senator drew scattered applause from the increasingly baffled crowd of students when he demanded free, universal condiment access and a single payer crouton system.
Update: Both Sanders and the owner of Goldstein’s Deli have agreed to forgo litigation after discovering they were both represented by their old friend and attorney, Saul Rosenberg. The three spent such an enjoyable evening complaining about “kids these days,” they soon forgot about the lawsuit entirely.
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and corned beef truther, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at reuven.bank@yahoo.com.
