If you were like millions of Americans who tried to watch the first debate of the 2016 presidential election on Sept. 26, then you accidentally tuned into Food Network after mistaking a pumpkin carving demonstration for a close-up shot of Donald Trump‘s face. But if you were fortunate enough to join the 84 million other viewers who managed to evade this insidious culinary ruse, then you witnessed a dazzling display of political theatrics and subplots usually reserved for the season finale of House of Cards (except with a pinch more corruption). Insults were traded. Sniffles were sniffed. Imaginary fat was shamed. By the end of the night, the Notorious HRC emerged victorious, and the only thing that ran away from Trump faster than voters was Lester Holt’s hairline. The entire affair seemed less like an actual debate and more like an eccentric yet realistic cinematic experience, a Wes Anderson/Ken Burns hybrid. So in keeping with this theatrical spirit, I have assembled a casting list outlining which actors would best fill the roles of this election’s major characters, in case the future director of the greatest political drama of all time needs some help with the audition process. You’re welcome, Spielberg.
Julian Assange: The role of the WikiLeaks chief and rejected Game of Thrones White Walker extra requires an accomplished actor who could portray a man duplicitously leaking the political secrets of his ideological foes with depth and gravitas, in the spirit of this new era of Cold War espionage. Adam Sandler for the win.
Donald Trump: After failed efforts to land every A-, B-, C- and D-list celebrity available, casting directors eventually emulate the Republican National Convention and settle for Scott Baio.
Hillary Clinton: After playing a schizophrenic prostitute turned serial killer in the 2003 drama Monster, Charlize Theron accepts the part of Hilldog, explaining she wanted the challenge of taking on an even less relatable character.
Bernie Sanders: Does Danny DeVito in any way capture the image or personality of America’s favorite old Jewish guy stereotype? No. Did I only mention him so I had an excuse to show you this picture? Maybe.
Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr.: Christian Bale dusts off his American Psycho personality, and through the power of split screen technology plays two psychopathic douchebags instead of one.
Ben Carson: Seriously, is there anyone Danny DeVito can’t play? The man is a chameleon.
Reuven Bank, Opinion Editor and Danny DeVito fanboy, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.