College Park — Unable to keep up with the pace of writing a weekly humor article, exhausted Diamondback columnist Reuven Bank told reporters Tuesday he would begin replicating the fake journalistic format of The Onion.

“I’ve been scripting witty, original satire for almost three weeks now, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it up,” Bank said, noting the only way forward was to blatantly pilfer The Onion’s trademark style of self-referential absurdism.

The college sophomore, mentally depleted from many hours of revelry and procrastination, expressed his utter joy in realizing that he could just take other people’s ideas for himself, rather than creating unique content from hard work.

“Writing my own jokes takes a lot of effort, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that time commitment right now,” the plagiarist explained, adding that “maybe I can make up quotes that fit perfectly into the body of a realistically-structured fake news article, just like the professional humorists do.”

While acknowledging the potential repercussions of deviously reaping the benefits of someone else’s labor, Bank made sure to clarify that he would only be emulating The Onion, rather than imitating it. When asked to articulate the difference, Bank carefully replied in complicated legal jargon that “when you imitate other people’s ingenuity, that is copyright infringement. When you emulate them, it isn’t.”

Sources confirmed that the self-described comedian would also try his hand at copying works of nonfiction as well. “Frederick Douglass’ autobiography really moved me, and I’d love to give rewriting it a shot. I’d love to take credit for any great literary work, really.” When reached for comment, Bank said he was not concerned about potential lawsuits from actual news-satire organizations, as he bemoaned the troubles of getting even his own family to read his columns, let alone the legal department of a multi-national digital media conglomerate.

Reuven Bank, Opinion Editor and future recipient of a court order demanding royalties for this column, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at