Millennials are odd creatures. For the many of us who struggle to understand today’s youth culture, relating to them proves difficult, leaving us with more questions than answers. What are Snapchat and quinoa, and how do they work? Who is Harambe, and why do they keep shouting “dicks out” for him? Fortunately, as a board-certified young person, I have spent the last 19 years meticulously researching their behavior and have compiled everything you need to know about millennials in this handy almanac.
Taxonomy:
The origin of the term ‘millennial’ stems from the roots Mille and Niallus, Latin for “gluten free” and “fedora.” Though morphologically similar to their most recent ancestor, the Baby Boomer, millennials have developed distinct physiological adaptations to compete in the modern world. In particular, balance, spinal curvature and thumb dexterity have all dramatically increased, presumably in order to ride hover boards while also hunched-over texting. However, these newly evolved traits have also crippled millennials’ ability to perform manual labor. In a recent study, scientists relocated 20 hipsters to a construction site for a day, in order to research how they would react to a foreign environment. Of the original 20, 12 had to be hospitalized for Facebook withdrawal, while six immediately walked off the site after muttering under their breath “I can’t even.” The two millennials who remained cited their interest in the abundance of aged wooden planks strewn about the premises, and insisted that the antique rotted boards would look great mounted on the wall of their Brooklyn loft.
Description:
The millennial is rarely spotted leaving its dorm without a pair of white Vans and/or aviator sunglasses (no piloting experience required). Individual members of this species communicate by marking their territory on social media, which often entails a combination of sassy Instagram captions, Facebook memes and “throwback Thursday” tweets. Millennials have also demonstrated an intricate mating ritual. The process begins with nervous, flirty conversation about the latest Frank Ocean album, followed days later by a complex dancing display that usually includes twerking and culminates with a drunken 3 a.m. “you up?” text. The millennial remains particularly susceptible to a disease commonly referred to as “man-bun,” resulting in a horrific contortion of the male individual’s natural follicular formation. Similarly, millennials have developed a number of curiously acute allergies to objects ranging from voting booths to my Paul Simon album collection.
Distribution and habitat:
Millennials generally favor dry, indoor environments with an elevated concentration of electrical outlets. To observe millennials in their natural habitat, search for known hotspots of hipster activity, such as artisanal coffee shops and vape stores. The odds of a successful viewing are doubled for every PokeStop within a three mile radius of your location. If you wish to remain camouflaged from their attention, be sure to cover yourself head to toe in print newspapers while murmuring drearily about foreign trade. Expert millennial-watchers prefer the Wall Street Journal’s editorial section for maximum protection.
Tune in next week for the latest installment of this ongoing series, where I reveal exclusive leaked memos from the human resources department of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign.
Reuven Bank, Opinion Editor and reluctant millennial, is a sophomore biology; ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at reuven.bank@yahoo.com.
