On Oct. 23, The New York Times published a scathing 8,341 word compilation of Donald Trump insults, detailing all of the billionaire/well-varnished ham’s twitter feuds over the past year. The report, as expected, is filled with an impressive variety of cutting edge satire, from when the Nazi propaganda enthusiast called Jeb Bush a “lightweight,” to when he addressed political analyst Mark Halperin as “sleepy eyes,” to that one time he tried being politically correct. However, The Donald, busy defending America from bad hombres and beauty pageant weight gain, left a few names off his social media hit list. Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty of assembling a complete directory of people, places and things Trump has not yet insulted on Twitter, but really should consider targeting soon.
Raisin cookies: Raisin cookies are the Trojan horse of pastries, in that I’d rather eat an entire 50-foot-tall wooden horse than accidentally bite into one more goddamn raisin cookie thinking it contained chocolate chips.
Seventy-five percent of the Baldwin Brothers: Trump (John Miller if you’re nasty), faced with four Baldwin brothers to choose from, somehow decided to pick on Alec, the most talented and least droopy-eyed of the quartet. He left unslighted the power trio of Stephen, Billy and Edward, a group so foreign to the public eye that you didn’t even realize there’s no Baldwin brother named Edward.
Katy Perry’s love life: Just kidding, he already has.
Penguins: These tuxedoed freeloaders have been mooching off their adorableness for too long. It’s time they pulled themselves up by their chinstraps and learned to fly, or at least march without waddling.
Green grapes: We all know these sour, lychee wannabes are really just red grapes who got a little bit sea sick.
People who talk slightly too loudly while on the phone in public: +2 bonus insults if they’re wearing a Bluetooth earpiece.
Those jackets which have vests made of leather, but sleeves made of cloth: The only people who can pull off this look are guys who want to seem dangerous, but also have bad circulation in their forearms and get kind of chilly.
Cricket: basically stamp collecting in sports-form.
Whoever named the Isle of Man: Did you just assume this self-governing crown dependency’s gender?
Wireless printers: In 2013, a team of electrical engineers at Harvard University reproduced the first ever document via a wireless printing device, and then printed it again when they spilled mac and cheese all over the top left corner. This miracle of modern technology has not been replicated since.
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and future fruit-based insult comic, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at reuven.bank@yahoo.com.
