Trader Joe’s is a mystical place. Because my family opted for larger, more traditional chain grocery stores growing up, I didn’t really appreciate TJ’s until I got to college.
The prices alone are enough to make it your go-to for groceries — my shockingly low total made me audibly gasp the first few times I went.
But what really keeps me coming back are the iconic TJ-brand items. The store sells wonderfully niche products that I simply can’t find at Target Express or Lidl. The chain offers unique spices and vegetarian dishes that stretch beyond your standard soy “chicken” — and a pasta dish without their iconic Vegan Kale, Cashew and Basil Pesto is a pasta dish I won’t be eating.
And, as we all know, every TJ’s product you buy is insight into your psyche. In light of that, here’s a list of some top-tier Trader Joe’s products and what they say about the type of person you are.
Everything But the Bagel seasoning blend
If this quintessential Trader Joe’s buy is your favorite product, you consider yourself a bit of a culinary genius. When incorporating this seasoning blend into every dish, you embody Salt Bae in all his glory. Gone are the days when you had to toss in a variety of spices — now they all come in one convenient bottle. Any dish graced by the presence of the effortless blend of black and white sesame seeds, sea salt flakes, dried minced garlic, onion and poppy seeds is instantly elevated.
The side of the bottle says you can use it on anything, even suggesting you “be bold and sprinkle [it] on a plain bagel with cream cheese!” Lovers of this blend are definitely using it for far more. Veggie stir fry? Go ahead and throw on some Everything But the Bagel. Avocado toast? You HAVE to add some Everything But the Bagel.
Soy Chorizo
You were whisked away when you picked up some soy chorizo for the first time. You’re a romantic. You definitely went all out and made tacos with this once. Only a fool would miss out on this fantastic vegan item.
But the allure started to fade after you realized fake sausage can’t hold itself in the casing like the real meat does. Now you’re unsure how to store the strangely-packaged plant-based meat without orange liquid leaking onto the drawer in your fridge. Will a clip hold the packaging together? Should you just give up and put it in Tupperware? The only guarantee is that your hands will get stained with every subsequent use.
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Goddess salad dressing
Much like the namesake, you are a Greek deity. You also go through these bottles way too quickly. How badly you’re going through it on a given day correlates with how much dressing you pile onto your unsuspecting salad — it’s just science.
But nothing can come between you and your beloved dressing. Goddess users are very loyal to this product; it’s rare to find a case where they switch it up with something else, and for good reason. Any meal should be grateful to be paired with this lemon tahini dressing.
Gone Bananas
Buyers of these chocolate-covered banana slices fit into two categories — naturally healthy or attempting to be healthy. If you’re the former, you’re the type of person who is satisfied with the small, lackluster apple they offer as a side at Panera Bread. These chocolate-covered banana slices are an extravagant dessert in comparison! You’re able to stick to the four-piece serving size pretty easily.
If you’re the latter, you see this in the frozen section and think, “Hm, this will be perfect for my sweet tooth after a meal.” And then, you proceed to eat the entire package in one sitting.
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Cauliflower Gnocchi
Congratulations, you avoided the temptation of decadent frozen foods such as the Speculoos Cookie Butter Cheesecake Bites and Mandarin Orange Chicken and settled on this reasonable dish!
You even cooked some once or twice, but this gnocchi is an unsuspecting victim of abandonment. While you kept it together enough in the store to avoid the fun frozen treats, there are more appealing options in your own freezer. How is the Cauliflower Gnocchi supposed to compete with pizza rolls or that half-eaten pint of ice cream?
Sadly, you’re more than likely to leave the pasta package in the corner of the freezer where no food item wishes to go. It will now live among the seven-month-old frozen fruit and an ice pack. The only attention it will receive are the dirty looks from your roommate when they realize you still haven’t cleaned out the freezer.
