Ah, the internet. A fire-laden cesspool that gave the everyman the genius ability to publicly broadcast his unsolicited opinions at any time of day. Has this limitless access to discussion and misinformation eroded our very notion of modern democracy? Hard to say!

Whatever your opinions may be, there are some that maybe you should just keep to yourself because literally nobody asked what you think, John2342. If you see, say, a viral leaked nude of Cardi B’s breasts or a paparazzi photo of Billie Eilish literally just existing and feel that unignorable itch to comment, here are three things you should do instead.

1. Look in a mirror

Hopefully you have access to one of these in the cave you crawled out of. The task is simple, really. If you feel the need to tell the world that you “wouldn’t bang” an entertainer who will literally never be aware of your existence, strip naked and stand (or sit) in front of a mirror. Look carefully at your skin, at the physical vessel that you are trapped in for your short blip of an existence on earth. Do you fit these impossible standards of beauty you feel the need to impart upon others? No matter the answer, I want you to look deep into your own eyes and think about if your parents are proud of you. 

[We should be rooting for both original hosts of ‘Call Her Daddy’]

2. Donate to a charity

Many proponents of this thinly veiled misogyny put their little digital paws up in self-defense and exclaim, “It’s a personal preference!” My answer to that is no 🙂

Personal preference refers to things like red being your favorite color or that you like Indian food. It does not apply to your assessment of someone’s value based on how physically appealing you find them. And if we are going to use that kind of logic, my personal preference includes you donating $50 immediately to one of the charities on this list. Cough it up, ugly!

3. Log off

Maybe you’ve seen that some actress you used to drool over in the ’90s has gone through the natural human progression of gaining weight and also aging. Let’s step back for a moment and ponder if a woman who has chosen to start a family and live a fulfilling life really has “gone to waste.” She is a human being with a soul and mind, not just the once-sexy meat sack you see her as! Whether or not someone gains 10 pounds, their body is just that: a body. If you only value women for the physical traits they possess, then you are just as shallow as the women who likely refuse to date you. Delete Twitter. Go for a walk. Read some Judith Butler.

[UMD students take to video game Among Us to make friends]