I don’t know about anyone else, but I thought my end-of-the-world simulation would be a tad more riveting. So far, this just involves a lot of sitting, thumb-twiddling and trying not to think too hard about the impending eco-doom of our planet and the capitalist structures that spawned said eco-doom.

So, if you’re looking for a new simulation to keep you momentarily occupied, I’ve got just the fix for you. BrantSteele.com hosts a bevy of simulators of reality game shows, with options such as Survivor, RuPaul’s Drag Race and even Total Drama Island.

But I’ve got the most chaotic one in store for you, dear reader. Prepare for a simulation of Big Brother, with some of your favorite Diamondback staffers as the cast, instead of unproblematic millennials so terrible the season’s almost unbearable to watch. This season is more bearable than ever.

On BrantSteele, there are several options to customize your simulation, so I just used a 13-person template with some of my Diamondback coworkers’ names. 

The premise: Each week, houseguests compete to become “Head of Household.” The HOH then nominates two houseguests for eviction. Then, there’s a “Power of Veto” competition, where the HOH, the two nominees and three randomly selected houseguests compete. The POV winner has the option to veto one of the nominations and make the HOH nominate a new one, or to keep the nominations the same. Once the week’s nominees are finalized, the houseguests, except the HOH and nominees, vote to evict. The person with the most votes is then evicted from the house. 

Let’s take a look at our cast:

  • Amanda Hernández
  • Arya Hodjat
  • Audrey Decker
  • Camryn DeLuca
  • Christine Condon
  • Evan Haynos
  • Gabby Lewis
  • Jason Fontelieu (I couldn’t help myself.)
  • Jordan Swarm
  • Rachel S. Hunt
  • Sahana Jayaraman
  • Tyler Golsen
  • Zachary Jablow

The season and all the decisions within it are made by the simulator — so now, let’s take a look at some of the highlights.

Week 1:

Thirteen meek houseguests enter a large, empty house. Some of them might not even know what Big Brother is. Well, they’re about to.

Jordan is the first HOH winner, and her nominations for eviction are Jason (gee, thanks) and Zachary. Jason wins the POV (no surprise) and removes himself from the block. Final nominees are Christine and Zachary.

On eviction night, by a vote of 6-4, the first houseguest eliminated from the season is … Christine. 

Week 3:

Amanda wins HOH. Her nominees are Evan and Rachel. Evan wins the POV and saves himself from the block. Amanda names Jason as the replacement nominee (leave me alone!). 

Rachel was on the block last week so voting for her may be less controversial, but Jason has a Veto win under his belt. 

On eviction night, there is a 4-4 tie. In the event of a tie, the HOH decides who goes home. Amanda chooses to evict … Rachel.

[Read more: ‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ is the peak of peace and tranquility]

Week 4:

Arya wins HOH. His nominees are Jason and Zachary — sound familiar to anyone?

Arya wins the POV and saves Jason from the block (thank you, king!). Final nominees are Sahana and Zachary.

Sahana seems to not be on many people’s radars thus far, so she should be safe. Or is Zachary just the pawn of the season, and Sahana is the real target?

By a vote of 5-2 … Sahana is evicted from the Big Brother house.

Week 6:

Jordan wins her second HOH. Her nominees are Zachary and Jason, the third time the pair has been nominated (Leave the birdie boys alone!).

Audrey wins the POV. (Use it on me!) She does not use the POV (damn). Final nominees are Zachary and Jason. Both have been on the block several times and have proven to be competition threats. 

By a vote of 3-2 … Jason is evicted. (Goodbye, cruel house!)

And once again, it seems like Zachary really is just the pawn of the season. 

Week 6, part 2:

Amanda wins her second HOH. Her nominees are Audrey and Zachary.

Tyler wins the POV but does not use it. Audrey seems like more of a competition threat, and Zachary is up for eviction for the fourth time. Will the House take out a big target or bid the longtime pawn goodbye?

At the eviction, there’s a 2-2 tie. Amanda chooses to evict … Zachary. And allows one of her biggest competitors to remain in the House? Weird flex, Amanda.  

Week 9:

Arya, Tyler, Jordan, Amanda. We’re at the final four, people. Shit’s getting spicy.

Arya wins his second HOH. His nominees are Tyler and Jordan. (Side note: shoutout to Jordan for making it this far without landing on the block — quite a feat.)

Amanda wins the POV and does not use it, which is for the best because she’d go on the block if she did use it (by default). Final nominees are Tyler and Jordan.

On eviction night, Amanda is the only one eligible to cast a vote. Her choice to evict is … Jordan.

[Read more: Recreating the 2008 Maryland football season on PS2]


Our final two, Amanda and Arya, now face the jury, who will vote for who they want to win the season. 

Amanda played a bit more of a flashier game, with three HOH wins, and she was instrumental in taking out big players such as Jordan and Tyler.

Arya played more of a subtle game, but still ended up with four total wins under his belt.

Who will the jury choose to win?

The seven-person jury is: Evan, Jason, Zachary, Gabby, Audrey, Jordan and Tyler.

By a vote … of 4-3 … the winner … of Big Brother: Diamondback … is … Amanda!

Oh wow, that should not be as fun for me as it is. 

While a real season of Big Brother: Canada just halted production due to concerns over the coronavirus, I can’t help but ponder — what would it be like to be locked in a house with no contact with the outside world, having no idea of the pandemic occurring and having (seemingly) much less chance of being infected by it? Doesn’t seem too bad, if you ask me. 

Ultimately, the simulator is exactly as dumb as it sounds. Obviously, there’s no realistic possibility that the 13 people listed above will end up locked in a house together and have to evict each other one-by-one. The  reality show personalities we see on shows like Big Brother are so vastly different from the people I interact with in my everyday life — for example, my Diamondback coworkers — that the comparison is laughable. But imagining them as such is so surreal in my eyes that it hardly gets boring for me, as with each simulation, you can try or change something new.

Also, maybe just the idea of having some semblance of control over something  (i.e. a reality show simulator) is reassuring now that any ounce of control I once had over my personal life and subsequent future have been yanked out from under me like a shag carpet.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled pandemic.