As presidential front-runners Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump inch closer and closer toward a slow-motion collision of voter hatred in the general election, I’ve begun to accept the possibility that neither Bernie Sanders nor Ted “Count Chocula” Cruz will become commander in chief. While we might not live to see Sanders sworn into office by rapper Killer Mike or Cruz appointing a bald eagle wearing an American flag jacket to the Supreme Court (still more likely than President Obama’s appointee, Merrick Garland, being confirmed), we can still look back and reflect on these two remarkable candidates who just didn’t seem to fit into the U.S. political landscape. However, an ignominious return to the doldrums of daily Senate life seems like a waste of both of their obvious talents. Therefore, I present to you a bracket-style breakdown of which foreign country Sanders and Cruz would each be fit to lead.
On the far left (some would say too far) stands Democratic nominee Sanders. Wearing his home uniform of a rumpled old suit that’s three sizes too large, Sanders measures in at an intimidating 6 feet tall, or 5 feet 10 inches with his hair combed. His strengths consist of an independently financed campaign, countless hours of practice feeding pigeons from a park bench and an energetic youth fan base who proclaim that they “feel the Bern,” which, coincidentally, is the same phrase they used to describe their symptoms in post-spring break doctor’s appointments. Sanders’ powerhouse No. 1 seed is an obvious pick: Denmark. With its progressive tax policies, vast social safety net and generous senior citizen discounts on Sunday breakfast buffets, Denmark feels like the perfect home for our beloved yet soon-to-be-retired democratic socialist candidate. However, I predict a shocking upset victory for a sleeper pick: future former U.S. state Florida. With the backing of an unconventional coalition of Latinos, Jews and the elderly, Sanders will ride a tidal wave of support while leading the charge for secession and kvetching about how “99 percent of the states get 1 percent of the respect. The United States is rigged!” in an ironic reversal of his catchphrase. When asked about the sudden loss of Florida, the rest of the continental U.S. will simply reply, “Good riddance.”
Meanwhile, representing the Southwestern division, Ted Cruz remains a formidable opponent. Having already overcome both a severe case of Personality Deficit Disorder and what the esteemed political analysts at Saturday Night Live diagnosed as a “punchable face,” Cruz has let no obstacle stand in his way this election season. And while he still might be dogged by questions like “How will you balance starring in the new Dracula movie with the time commitment of being president?” or “Are you sure you’re not the Zodiac Killer?” his campaign has persevered. He’s received glowing praise from leading Republican politicians, including John Boehner (“that jackass”) and Bob Dole (“I don’t like him”). Cruz recently even acquired the endorsement of one of the most respected institutions in politics, the Duck Dynasty family. As a result, Ted’s top seed may come as a bit of a surprise: his home nation of Canada. While our polite neighbors to the north initially seem an odd fit for the universally loathed senator, closer inspection finds them to be a quite suitable match. The legendary patience and kindness of the Canadian people will prove useful when trying to integrate Cruz into society, and an endless supply of moose to hunt and wilderness to pollute with oil drilling will provide the perfect environment for his reintroduction to his natural territory. He’ll even save on transportation costs, as he’ll be immediately deported there upon Trump’s election victory. Even more convincingly, Canada remains unopposed, as every other country in the world has imposed a temporary ban on all people with the name Ted Cruz entering the country until “we can figure out what the hell is going on.”
Although it’s still too early to say exactly where Sanders and Cruz are headed, and anything could change, it looks as though voters have at least made it clear that neither of them will be running this country.
Reuven Banks is a freshman enrolled in letters and sciences. He can be reached at rbanksdbk@gmail.com.
