Views expressed in opinion columns are the author’s own.
While Valentine’s Day has traditionally been a time to celebrate feelings of romantic love, it has evolved in recent years to be an outlet for light-hearted and self-deprecating memes that poke fun at being single. For the less fortunate on this iconic day, a sad playlist of sappy love songs and a binge eating session is in order.
A few days before Valentine’s Day at Towson University, a middle-aged Asian woman had different plans for her son. She approached strangers on the campus with a photo of her son and asked if they’d date him. As incredulous and hilarious as it is, this story reveals a darker aspect of Asian-American culture: an unrealistic pressure to marry, especially at a young age.
When I was growing up, my parents always told me to prioritize education over interpersonal relationships — and looking at my Asian-American peers, I was no exception. While we all had relatively lively social lives, there was always an invisible hand pushing us forward rather than allowing us to simply enjoy life with our friends.
A study published in 2013 found that Asian-Americans worry more about school and family expectations than their white counterparts. In addition, Asian-Americans are victims of a “model minority” stereotype that stigmatizes asking for help when they’re struggling. Another study published in 2009 found that Asian-Americans are less likely to seek resources for mental health problems, and will sometimes ignore symptoms of depression to avoid talking about it with their families.
When most Asian-Americans turn 18, they’re subjected to a new burden that contradicts almost everything they’ve been taught about relationships. Suddenly, they’re bombarded with questions from their parents and relatives about their dating lives.
I can’t even count the number of occasions that I’ve been slyly approached by aunts and uncles intent on prying into my romantic life. Despite being told to focus on academics for most of their childhood, many Asian-Americans are accosted as young adults by nagging relatives who want them to commit to one of the most important relationships of their lives.
Traditionally, marriage represents an essential step into adulthood. While cultural norms are slowly shifting, many young Asian-Americans — especially women — still feel pressured to marry and uphold their responsibility to their parents. This sense of duty can partly be attributed to ancient patriarchal values in Asian-American culture; a woman needs a man to support her, and beyond a certain age, women will no longer be seen as desirable. Similarly, a man needs to marry a woman to pass on his lineage. While these stereotypes are much less impactful than they were in the past, the residual damage they cause shouldn’t be overlooked.
The sudden shift in expectations and lack of opportunity to gain romantic experience ultimately makes it difficult for Asian-Americans to form meaningful relationships, much less find a suitable partner for marriage early in life.
Under pressure, a person may feel the need to rush into a relationship with someone they don’t necessarily click with. This can result in a wide variety of negative consequences, such as the emergence of deep-rooted insecurities, general feelings of boredom or dissatisfaction and potentially scarring — emotionally or physically — breakups.
The notion that young Asian-American adults should rush into marriage is an outdated cultural idea. During young adulthood, most of us lack the emotional maturity to form significant relationships. To all the parents who desperately want grandchildren: You can afford to wait a while. Let your child interact with people they’re interested in without the added pressure of marriage. Ultimately, they’ll learn more about themselves and be able to decide when — or even if — they want to settle down.
Kevin Hu is a freshman physiology and neurobiology major. He can be reached at kevxhu@gmail.com.
