By Patrick Basler & Cameron Neimand
Sex is hot. Sex is fun. Sex is, uh, not always as long as you’d hope.
But don’t worry, we get it. Not personally, but we understand the concept. And there’s not much you can do — except put on a playlist that makes you seem like you can “last for 223 thousand hours.”
Your usual sex music — ’90s R&B, mostly — goes on foooorever (like 4 or 5 minutes, usually), setting unrealistic expectations that you can have both “sex in the morning, sex all day” and “sex in the evening, sex all night,” as R Kelly puts it. But this playlist — which features no songs longer than three minutes — sets much more realistic stamina goals for the listener.
So, without further ado, here are 10 bangin’ (couldn’t resist) sex tracks that all last for no longer than three minutes. Sound familiar?
Frank Ocean — Sierra Leone
It wouldn’t be a sex playlist without America’s boyfriend Frank Ocean. “Sierra Leone,” perhaps because of its shortness, is one of the most underrated tracks on Channel Orange. It’s simple, sexy and sweet, the perfect start to any late night in bed.
Miguel — Pussy is Mine
I saw Miguel in concert once. He did not play this song. I screamed “Pussy is Mine!” at the top of my lungs. People stared. Miguel still did not play the song. But regardless, “Pussy is Mine” is an excellent, stripped back, intimate guide to sex and relationships, featuring just Miguel, his guitar and two minutes and 53 seconds of sexiness.
Jeremih — Pass Dat
Chicago R&B artist Jeremih has always been influenced by R Kelly, and “Pass Dat” is no exception. Like a lot of R Kelly’s work, it’s the perfect soundtrack for the party, the Uber ride back and whatever happens (quickly) after that.
NxWorries — Lyk Dis
Anderson .Paak is married and has a kid, so we assume he knows a thing or two about sex. But even if not, “Lyk Dis” is a retro slice of smooth rap that throws it back to the days when rap was sexy. And just like sex … it’s over before you know it.
Kali Uchis — Sycamore Tree
“Sweeter than a sycamore tree” is a lyric in this song and also an apt description of how you’d feel if you played this tune while doing the ol’ nasty. I wish it said something like “sweeter than a sour patch watermelon gummy” because I have never bitten into the bark of a sycamore and really don’t know if it is or isn’t difficult to be sweeter than said tree.
Ty Dolla $ign — Stealing
The titular “stealing” in this Ty Dolla $ign acoustic guitar jam refers, naturally, to “stealing all these bitches hearts.” So if you’re worried about your significant other’s faithfulness, maybe skip over this one. Otherwise, “Stealing” is a great choice to set the mood, no matter how long it lasts.
Drake — Madonna
As far as Drake’s sex songs go, “Madonna” is an outlier. It’s short, minimal and as dark as it is hot, but the moodiness of the track is what makes it so unique (and sexy). Recommended for sex in The 6, but acceptable for just plain old sex in the bedroom too.
Gallant — Miyazaki
The Maryland-raised R&B singer might be a newcomer to the music biz, but his soulful style is timeless — as shown on the grooving, ethereal sex track “Miyazaki.” If you want/ I can make your body tremble,” he sings in a convincing falsetto.
Tyler, The Creator — Find Your Wings
Back in 2010, when Tyler, The Creator burst onto the scene as rap’s new anti-establishment preacher, nobody would have ever thought the Odd Future frontman’s music would serve as the soundtrack to their future fornication. Fast forward to 2016 and you can “Find Your Wings” and ascend to the emotional heavens while being seduced by America’s favorite gap-toothed foul mouth.
D.R.A.M — Caretaker (feat. SZA)
“Let me take care of you” says D.R.A.M. in this song and also your partner when they have to leave to get you a glass of water because you’ve made it through this entire ridiculous playlist and we’ve tirelessly worked you to a point of mental, physical, and spiritual exhaustion.
We hope the sex is short and sweet!