As Tyler “Brad Pitt” Durden of “the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club” fame said, “You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your f—ing khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.”

Unfortunately for Durden and for us, we live in a society where you are judged not by your scholarly quests, your humanity or your killer Quidditch abilities but, instead, by your economic value.

This wonderful society is welcoming us to the workforce with an abysmal job market. Think of this as the cherry on top of your heinous student loans. We’re also inheriting a ridiculously large national debt that we had no hand in creating, but that’s neither here so much as it is what-the-nonsense?!-ville.

It gets worse. Take a good look around. This is your competition. Are you prepared to compete for the same lower-level, underpaid positions as everyone else? FYI: You can’t put indie flick/tunes critic, vinyl purist or late-night porn enthusiast on your résumé.

So how do you get to that place where you’re sunbathing on your yacht in your Underroos while Warren Buffett whispers sexily in your ear, “You make me look like a pauper.”

It’s simple, you just need to… er, um… OK, maybe I exaggerated, lied — same difference. I can’t even remotely help you get that far. But I can pretend that there’s some sort of silver lining to this situation.

Trust me, as a journalism major, I know firsthand how quickly the job market is crashing. Don’t believe me? Look at the Twitter feed for TheMediaIsDying. Want to know a drinking game that even alcoholics are afraid to play? Take a shot for every newspaper with staff cutbacks and two shots for every newspaper that shuts down. To the person who found me lying in my vomit after that Saturday, you can keep my dignity. I lost all need for it when I declared my major.

Also, remember how math was mocked back in high school? Yeah well, who’s more likely to bring home the vegan bacon now, the aerospace engineering major or the journalism major? Ha! Like that was even a contest. And don’t even pretend, all you social sciences majors are right here with me.

So what is this faux silver lining? It’s that this lack of jobs creates a truly unique situation by providing us with a few solid options our parents didn’t have.

Option No. 1: Move back in with Mom and Pop, leech off them, collect unemployment benefits and expand to your full couch potato potential. While it’s more socially acceptable, nothing in life is free. The catch is you must be willing to relinquish all rights to your freedom. Say good-bye to crazy nights and hello to knitting Tuesdays with Gran. 

Option No. 2: Beg relatives, family friends, neighbors, etc., for jobs. I mean, if you have to be indebted to someone, it’s better if you get to keep your independence. After all, it’s really about who you know and not what you know… right? Wrong. This only works if you can get a job you won’t hate. Working at Uncle Ben’s Family Friendly Sewer Plant is nothing your philosophy degree prepared you for.

Option No. 3: Apply to graduate school. Studies have shown that, as the economy fails, the number of graduate school applications rises. If you don’t want to go straight to graduate school or take the GREs, LSATs, MCATs, or whatever other horrible tests, try programs like the Peace Corps or Teach for America. These are perfectly respectable alternatives and make participants more marketable. However, competition for these programs, now more than ever, will be steep.

Option No. 4: Actually apply for a job. Go to a career fair, job hunt online, see your adviser and prepare a respectable résumé. While the job market is bleak, there’s always hope. Even if your idea of a well-paying job isn’t available, you can always chase your whimsical dream of starting your own business. It might be tough and inadvisable, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t worth it.

Good luck, my fellow Terps, and Testudo-speed. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to compete with you. I want to be a fifth year senior.

Shruti Rastogi is a senior journalism major. She can be reached at rastogi@umdbk.com.