This great nation may soon be faced with a critical decision: Should we elect a man to lead our country whose previous experience was running a pizza company? For me, this is not a difficult decision. I love pizza.
If by his 9-9-9 tax plan, Herman Cain is referring to nine toppings for $9 in nine minutes, I’m in. And just think, if Cain does get the nomination and balances the ticket by choosing the CEO of a Chinese take-out company for his vice president, it’s all over.
If you have been following the Republican Party nomination process, you may know that in the beginning, Cain was spending more time hawking his book, This is Herman Cain, than running for office. So it seems pretty clear this is a book tour disguised as a presidential bid that has gotten out of control. As hard as Hollywood tries with movies such as Die Hard, Transformers and Flubber, reality seems to outdo fiction every time.
But you should not dismiss Cain so quickly. After all, he does come up with some great ideas, such as putting up an electric fence along our border with Mexico and giving more tax breaks to the wealthy. That way, if the poor and middle class decide to try and escape, they’ll be prevented from crossing over into our southern neighbor by the fence — and it’s probably too cold to contemplate Canada to the north. After all, trickle-down economics needs someone on the bottom to trickle on. This man has thought of everything.
And yes, it is OK with me that Cain doesn’t care to know the difference between Uzbekistan and Afghanistan. I think we could all forgive him if he sends our troops to the wrong country. The only thing that makes me waver a bit in my support is that the man thinks he can sing. I just don’t know if I can listen to his singing for four years. Of course, a lot can happen between now and the elections; he could learn to hum or take up the harmonica.
I must say, this concept of hiring people with no experience for the job at hand really intrigues me. So I talked two Jehovah’s Witnesses who knocked on my door into fixing my plumbing (they threw in a few prayers for free) and, after my haircut, I got the barber to look at a tooth that has been bothering me. You know what? I think the GOP may be onto something here. My sink still leaks and my tooth still hurts, but those guys had a lot of charisma and I saved a lot of money.
Unfortunately, however, there are some clouds on the horizon: My intelligence sources tell me others in the pizza industry, seeing a great marketing ploy, are about to put their CEOs into the race as well — expect pundits to label it the “Domino Effect.” I even heard the Papa John’s financial advisers have been discussing 8-8-8 plans with bread sticks, and Ledo Restaurant will propose putting Americans back to work by using only American cheese. Any way you slice it, it looks like this race may start to get close. I, for one, have been getting bored with these bothersome debates about domestic affairs, jobs and foreign policy — I look forward to some cook-offs and an honest debate about who can really deliver.
Richard Zipper is a Golden ID student taking classes in biology. He can be reached at zipper@umdbk.com.
