Despite my every attempt to appear surly and unapproachable, a seemingly endless stream of people ask me for directions on a regular basis. Thus, I’ve compiled a guide to assist my fellow classmates with this important task; you’re welcome.

PREFACE: Lucky you. Some stranger is lost, and of the nearly 38,000 students on the campus, you have been chosen to be the way, the truth, the life. You control the next five or more minutes of this person’s future, and with such power comes great responsibility — so wield it wisely.

When asked for directions, the most important task is to assess the situation before responding: Is the person walking, or in a car; is the person’s destination near, or is it far; is the person attractive to you; if you give bad directions, is the person likely to find you and cause bodily harm? Notice that your ability to actually assist the person is nowhere on the list. This may seem callous, but remember — the person chose you. His or her inability to plan ahead or read signs is not your fault. Nor is it your fault the campus blueprint was modeled off a pile of spaghetti puke found on the floor of R.J. Bentley’s after some freshman downed one too many Jägerbombs.

SCENARIO: Person wearing attire from another ACC school asks for directions.

RESPONSE: Turn on your Baltimore charm, thoughtfully determine the best route and point somewhere in the opposite direction. Tell this person it’s right next to the law school.

SCENARIO: Motorist stops at the intersection in front of Stamp Student Union and asks for directions to Stamp Student Union; other cars begin to honk.

RESPONSE: This person is an asshole. Tell the motorist you don’t know where Stamp is.

SCENARIO: Person asking for directions is foreign; your class starts in five minutes.

RESPONSE: Just walk away. Honestly, what are the odds you actually help this person find his or her destination? They don’t know any major landmarks. There’s probably a language barrier, which means talking will take forever. You can pretend not to see this person, but foreigners tend to be persistent because they’re frequently oblivious to our society’s nonverbal clues, such as scowling or avoiding eye contact. The best response is to abruptly walk in another direction while making some sort of unintelligible arm motion — he or she will assume you are on drugs and ask someone else for directions.

SCENARIO: Student you find attractive is looking for Tydings Hall; you are already late for class.

RESPONSE: Offer to walk this person to his or her destination, because you’ll totally get a phone number. I’m sorry, that’s terrible advice: If this person is actually attractive, they don’t want some over-eager pleaser spitting game, he or she wants to go to stupid Tydings Hall. You can give them directions as long as their clothes or voice don’t piss you off.

SCENARIO: It’s moving day; suspected parent is looking for Commons 3.

RESPONSE: If you’re smart, you already moved in. Which is another way of saying you should be drunk right now. Take off your shoe and ask them to smell it. Or lift up your shirt and tickle your nipple. Or do whatever you want, because a parent should have known better than to ask a daytime drunk for directions.

CONCLUSION: As you can see, few scenarios demand sincere assistance. There are so many signs, maps, computers, smart phones and GPS units in the world — few people have good reason to ask for directions. Besides, the student body has a reputation: You should do your best to uphold it.

Christopher Haxel is a senior English major. He can be reached at haxel@umdbk.com.