As you roll out of bed at 3 p.m. and pour yourself some Cheerios, it’s my unfortunate duty to tell you school is starting back up soon, dude. And you’re not in good shape. Don’t worry about it, we’ve still got a couple weeks. So let’s roll down the checklist before you start class again.
Speaking of waking up in the afternoon, you’re going to have to start scaling back, or say you are. You won’t actually scale back, and you’re going to be going to sleep at dawn every morning during the school year anyway, because you party hard and you’re Asher Roth or whatever. But at least try.
You’re also going to have to get back to work during the year, instead of tooling around on Facebook at your summer job. Serious work, like accounting (paying people to write your papers), chemistry (mixing Adderall with the right amount of alcohol and weed), music theory (learning three Jack Johnson songs to impress girls) and engineering (a gravity bong). College is hard.
You’re going to have to say your tearful good-byes (sorry, see-you-laters) to your lame friends from back home whom you’ve totally matured beyond. And then you’ll say your tearful hellos to your lame friends from college who totally bring too much high school drama. This year will be the year you realize these people are all the same, and this will make you sad. But for now, make sure you catch Bob Sullivan’s end-of-year bonfire, because it’s your last chance to hook up with Christy, bro!
Speaking of relationships, now is a tedious time when you have to go back to school and face all your old hookups and past flames (or as I’m required to refer to them by Maryland state law, the “victims” of my “obsessive stalking”). You should be using these last few weeks to clear your phone of these unsavory creatures. Helpful tip: Anyone who is in your phone under anything besides their birth name is probably out. Sorry, “Guy from the bar” and “Christa (slut).”
Probably the most important thing to do before summer ends is, you know, anything. Because you’ve totally wasted your summer and you don’t want to look like a loser when you come back, you should go skydiving or something ridiculous so you have a story for your friends who also did nothing with their summers. Hard to believe it’s already mid-August, isn’t it? Sad but true. And you’ve spent all summer on your laptop cycling between Snood, Facebook and websites I can’t talk about here. Speaking of which, you should give the old hard drive a good scrubbing before you get back to school, because your roommates are going to look at your computer while you’re out, and that video with the girl, the two guys and the slightly aged wedge of goat cheese is just disgusting. You should also get rid of all the illegal file-sharing software while you’re at it.
Oh, and by Snood, I meant BrickBreaker. Sorry … some of us still have a lot of updating to do for the new year.
Rob Gindes is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at gindes@umdbk.com
