Q: There’s a cute girl in one of my classes who sits behind me. It’s a large class so she probably wouldn’t even recognize me. What’s a good way to start up a conversation without seeming creepy?
A: Unless you spit game with the best in the business, it’s not a good idea to just waltz up to her saying “Did it hurt?” or worse, an, “Umm, you look really familiar. Did we sit at adjacent tables in the South Campus Dining Hall once last semester?” I think you’re wise to assume you probably will appear creepy or desperate if you approach the situation incorrectly, but there is hope for you yet. Without knowing what either one of you looks like, I’m going to go ahead and throw out a rule in relationships that is correct only about 2.9 percent of the time but always useful. The rule is this: Any guy can get any girl.
Everyone knows by this point that confidence is some sort of huge turn-on for girls — just like singing while playing the acoustic guitar or the ability to down a beer bong full of whiskey. Girls just can’t be around that stuff without melting into a puddle of giggling and hair twirling. Myself included. Give me some Kentucky Gentleman dribbling down the front of your shirt and some “Freebird” unplugged and I’ll … I’m getting distracted.
In any case, if you didn’t know confidence is highly attractive in guys, you’re probably not destined to succeed with women, similar to how the Washington Redskins aren’t destined to succeed with football (BURN). Somehow, when a confident guy puts the moves on a girl, it’s cute and exciting, and she can’t wait to tell all of her friends how hilariously attractive everyone finds her. The same words from a less suave version of the same person could result in her telling her friends how hilariously unattractive you are. If you approach this situation knowing without a doubt that you are going to get some serious ass, your actual chances improve drastically.
Once you have the right mindset, you still need some tactics to break the ice. Seeing as you already know you’re going to get with this girl in the near future, you can certainly start to relax around her. Suddenly, imagining her naked in class changes from awkward and creepy to fun and clairvoyant.
Your next step has to be an obvious indication of interest. Keep in mind: You are the man.
Considering it’s a big lecture, try coming a bit early and sitting near where she usually sits. Once you’re close enough, do something to pique her interest. Whether it is a totally awesome doodle, the crossword or a bag of gummy bears, you need to have some way to spark conversation that won’t be, “Uh … come here often?”
In situations like this, it’s tricky because even if you put on your best show, she might be in a relationship, just not into you or a lesbian. But in the end, what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like your rejection will be on national television. I can only hope if things don’t go well and end in an epic Tila Tequila-style ousting, it’ll be in one of my classes on the one day I decide to attend. But good luck, man.
Esti Frischling is a senior English major. She can be reached at esti at umdbk dot com.
