Let’s start off this week with a brief note. Astute readers of this column (Hi, Mom!) know I spent a week in San Diego in the middle of this month and gloated about it in this very space (“The Nerd Mecca,” July 14). Well, a seven-hour return flight that turned into a 13-hour comedy of errors certainly made me eat my words on the awesomeness of my trip. Let that be the last time I gloat about an experience before it has ended! (Note: Claim of non-gloating valid for this paragraph only.)

While taking a break from the freaks and geeks in America’s Finest City, my cousin and I spent some time sitting on a pier on the island of Coronado, sipping nice cold Delachinos (I’m not sure what was in them) and playing a game partially inspired by the events of the Comic-Con. No name was decided at the time, so for lack of a better idea, we’ll call it: “Which-List Celebrity?” One team names a celebrity of uncertain “List” status, as in A-List, B-List, C-List, and the other team levies a verdict and an explanation. A minimum of two participants are required; I have no idea how many the game can accommodate. The more the merrier, I say.

The levels of fame required for each List aren’t set in stone, and there’s no governing body (perhaps a topic for another column…) but there are general guidelines. Picture you’re the owner of a ritzy nightclub. An A-List celebrity is the person for whom you’ll kick everyone out of the building and let them host their own party at the drop of a hat. A B-List celebrity is the person who you’ll let walk right in the front door and get as many free drinks as they want. A C-List celebrity is someone you’ll notice as they pull every last favor they have to get in the door without waiting in line and you’ll think to yourself, ‘I know I saw him on VH-1 last week…’ It sounds like a stupid concept, but you would be surprised how easily time flies. Sometimes the celebrities are toss-ups: Denzel Washington is an A-List celebrity, and almost anyone currently on reality television is a C-List celebrity. Still, sometimes you come up with a celebrity who really perplexes you. How so, you ask yourself? Well, no better way to show you than to get into some Which-List Celebrity right now with some examples:

Billy Crystal: He hasn’t done anything big in years, but he was in some blockbuster movies, hosted the Oscars, and is currently performing a critically-acclaimed one-man show on Broadway. Even if he is a Yankees fan, the verdict is A-List.

Chris Tucker: He starred in Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2… but has done absolutely nothing since then. Even a wonderfully underrated turn in The Fifth Element doesn’t keep Tucker from the C-List.

Steven Seagal: The definition of C-List.

Dave Attell: Acerbic wit and a hilarious late-night drinking television show brought Attell to the brink of the A-List, but after eschewing his show for a comedy tour his status has dropped down to the B-List.

Bill Pullman: Loved him in Twister! Oh wait, that was Bill Paxton? I can’t tell the difference. Still, you see his face around enough. B-List.

Kelly Clarkson: Her List status closely resembles a sine wave. As soon as American Idol ended she was an A-List star, and quickly dropped to C-List a year after her album disappeared. But her new record and rock sensibility has brought her up to B-List yet again; A-List isn’t close behind.

Kirk Cameron: Most of you know the Kirk-ster from his star turn on the television show Growing Pains. What most of you don’t know is that once Cameron grew up, he married one of his Growing Pains co-stars, adopted four kids and had two more, became a born-again Christian and starred in two movies based in the popular Left Behind book series, with a third in post-production. For that, Mr. Cameron, I applaud you. I keep you firmly relegated to the C-List, mind you, but I applaud you.

And there you have it. The game isn’t really about defining which celebrities make which list; it’s more about making fun of celebrities and measuring just how far their careers have fallen. After all, if you can’t take joy in the downfall of others, what can you take joy in?

Abram Fox is an art history and archaeology graduate. He can be reached at abram@umd.edu.