It is safe to come out now — it’s over. Hurricane Earl, the highly anticipated harbinger of doom and subject of e-mails and fliers from the Resident Life Department, has failed to materialize. Personally, I am tremendously disappointed. I made specific plans to flee the coast for the weekend in the hope that I would return to find that my apartment had suddenly become beachfront property. No such luck.
While reflecting on my misfortune, I realized that those of you who are new to the area are probably unaware that College Park is home to some of the strangest and most diverse weather phenomena east of the Dust Bowl. We get hurricanes, tornados, thunderstorms, snow, hail and the odd earthquake or two. I’m sure you’ve also noticed the humidity.
I know most of you have already made several trips to Target and probably think you have all the essential items for a comfortable living experience. You’d be wrong. To help prepare you for this veritable menagerie of weather phenomena, I have briefly outlined a few key items that every new Terp should be sure to invest in.
The heat and humidity have probably forced you to purchase as many fans as your room will hold. They aren’t enough; you should purchase more.
If you visited the university prior to making your college decision, you may have noticed that our stately campus has been designed to create optimum wind-tunnel conditions at several key locations. If you do not know what I am referring to, you soon will.
Whether this is the result of a conspiracy between clever aerospace engineering and architecture students or merely a tragic accident remains a mystery. Regardless, it is suggested that lighter members of our community and those accustomed to carrying balloons should invest in weight belts in an effort to remain firmly grounded during particularly aggressive gusts. On an entirely unrelated note, people with large kites should be sure to contact me.
Because so much thought went into the efficient removal of air from the campus, planners seem to have neglected the removal of water almost entirely. During particularly wet periods, it is recommended that students traverse McKeldin Mall by kayak as the area may, and most likely will, become entirely submerged. And if you are not an avid participant in water sports, then you might as well stay home in bed. Please note that in most professors’ syllabi, this is not a legitimate excuse for skipping class.
Finally, those of you from New York and New Jersey may be under the mistaken impression that we Marylanders lack something you call winter. It is not that we don’t have winter per se. The issue is that when we do, we have no idea how to deal with it. Expect school closings, clogged roads and mass panic over two to four inches of snow.
However, though this has been a rare occurrence in the past, recent events suggest that you should also be prepared for two to four feet of snow. The best way to travel under such conditions is by sled dog. But because Resident Life frowns upon students keeping pets, your best options are probably skis or snowshoes. Also, in the event of heavy snow, be sure to watch out for the Vespa-inspired snowmobiles that athletes will undoubtedly drive on the campus.
As we haltingly head toward the start of fall, please keep my advice in mind. And if you are not sure what to wear, try Uggs and a North Face.
Rob Riker is a senior history and government and politics major. He can be reached at riker at umdbk dot com.
