I apologize for the irreverent comparison but, like the Egyptian people, I have spent decades suffering under the tyrannical reign of a corrupt regime clinging to a receding tide of power. I am talking, of course, about the Recording Industry Association of America.
If I were Egypt, the Grammys would be former President Hosni Mubarak. It’s not the award show itself I hate (although I do) — it’s the whole industry that the Grammys represent. I will always love Will Smith for producing the album Big Willie Style, but I’d rather poke my eyeball with a lit cigarette than watch his kid lip-sync with Justin Bieber. Seriously people, the Grammys have been around for 53 years; it’s time for a regime change. It’s time for the democratization of music.
LimeWire : Haxel :: Satellite TV : Egyptians.
Just a few years ago, we seemed so close. LimeWire opened my eyes to the world of music, but the one-way flow of information was frustrating. I could download a million songs, but most of them would be garbage. The only way to find the good ones was to listen to everything myself, and I was way too busy watching Saved by the Bell for that. Enter Pandora.
Sweet! I can just input a song, and my magical Googlemachine will play other songs with similar features and structure! It works great except for the part that won’t let me skip songs freely or listen to the music I actually typed in the box. And sometimes it plays The Black Eyed Peas. Enter Tunisia. Wait a couple weeks.
According to my Facebook news feed, the Egyptian military is now in charge, and it is (hopefully?) planning to cede power to a democratically elected government in about six months. If you went to the study abroad fair and think you speak French, you might refer to this as a cause célèbre for the people of Egypt. As an English major, I would retort that something is rotten in the state of Egypt. We’d both sound like idiots.
Right now I’d say the Grammys are about where Egypt is; I feel like they sort of represent the people, but mostly they still suck. The worst part isn’t the self-congratulatory indulgence, but rather the unspoken assumption that I need to be told who made the best music last year. I really like music, but I’m not one of those elitists who’d dismiss music because it’s mainstream; I’m one of those elitists who’d dismiss music because it sucks.
Music sucks when it lacks soul. I think Lady Gaga is ridiculous and faux avant-garde (more study-abroad French for you), but her mastery of fame amazes me. So it doesn’t bother me if she hatches from an egg or her YouTube channel has more than a billion views. Justin Bieber bothers me. His music has no soul. Bubblegum pop is just an over-processed mashup of pre-pubescent lust and androgynous eyebrows. The hot dog of the meat world, so to speak. And Bieber is the remnant of bubblegum pop. He’s hot dog water. The music industry is feeding us hot dog water.
I’ve got my Facebook, Twitter and smart phone. Tell me what to do: I am ready for the revolution.
Christopher Haxel is a junior English major. He can be reached at haxel at umdbk dot com.
