No matter what the state of the economy may be, one thing’s for sure: College students will always shovel out money for their beer. It’s a staple of college life, similar to unopened textbooks and lowered expectations. Think of all the occasions where you drink beer: at the bar, at the game, in the shower. Drinking beer is more routine than Dolly Parton’s breast examinations. But do you ever wonder where all that beer money goes and whether or not it’s being used for the betterment of society? I’m guessing not. All you care about is beer and the fun-yet-embarrassing outcomes that will ensue.
Don’t feel ashamed. You’re just a college student who likes to crack open a few cold ones when the time is right — which, lucky for College Park liquor stores, is 26 hours a day. But not once have you thought to harness the power of fundraising to exploit the wealthy underage drinkers of this grand university. Last weekend, my roommates threw a fundraiser called Kegs for Kenya. The goal was to raise money for Crossroads Springs Institute, a center for AIDS-afflicted children in Hamisi, Kenya that is sponsored by the non-profit group Bounding Books.
The money raised from this “fund-rager” helped alleviate the cost of shipping for new books to the library. After two kegs, more than 100 Solo cups, and a night of charitable drunken bliss, roughly $550 was made toward the cause at the end of the night.
If you hadn’t noticed yet, $550 is a butt-load of money for a night of cheap drinking in large quantities — a group of lonely sorority girls could easily tackle a tab this expensive in one sitting.
Following the success of Kegs for Kenya, I began to question why we repeatedly drink away our money and have nothing to show for it the next morning besides a pricey receipt soaked in a pool of vomit. I get it; the whole point is to go out and have fun, but why not profit morally from your drunken antics? It’s a strange phenomenon, but damn, does it feel good.
When you think about it, fund-raging can solve a lot of problems.
President Mote’s newly revised Furlough plan will cut 10 days of pay from University Professors? BOOM! Solved. A campus-wide fund-rager on McKeldin Mall would help the university avert the crisis.
Our nation’s health care is weaker than a bag of hummingbird skeletons? BOOM! All-night fund-rage at every bar in the U.S. Take that, Canada. I don’t know about you, but I would totally raise my glass with my professors on the mall or down a few brewskies during the national “Beer Fair for Health Care.”
Now, these are all lofty, nearly impossible requests, but you can’t deny that on a much smaller scale, these efforts would produce substantial results. Think of it this way: Anything is better than knowing that your beer money was used to pay for the cops at Thirsty Turtle or contributed to the unhealthy eating habits of every other yellow-clad bouncer at Cornerstone.
It’s time we make use of our poor decision-making skills and drink for change.
Jason Kramer is a junior American studies major. He can be reached at kramer at umdbk dot com.
