Today, we’re going to talk about how to save money in college. What I’m about to tell you is extremely important, so please shut up and listen. I know what I’m talking about.

The first thing I need to tell you is that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t know the first thing about saving money. In fact, I’m not really good with money at all. I learned this the hard way when, as a freshman, my parents gave me an “emergency credit card,” which they said was to be used only in an “emergency,” which is why I used it at Chipotle for seven straight months, which meant that I eventually maxed it out, which is why my parents and I are no longer on speaking terms.

But that was years ago, back when I was a hapless little freshman who didn’t know the difference between the Francis Scott Key Performing Arts Center and the Stamp Student Post Office. I’m older now. Wiser. And even though I don’t know anything about money, The Diamondback is paying me $0.75 per column — which is, I think, a lot of money — to pretend like I do. So let’s talk about saving money.

There are four categories in which it is possible to cut costs.

TUITION:

Tuition is defined as “a mandatory fee that, when paid, allows students to watch pornographic movies at the Hoff Theater.” Traditionally, tuition runs anywhere from $100,000 to $300,000 per semester, depending on variables such as how good the movie is. The current cost of tuition is, I think, $200,000, which indicates a fairly sexy movie.

Clearly, we see that tuition is expensive. So to save money, you should take out a student loan. I’m not entirely sure what that is, but the government gives it to you for free and you don’t have to pay it back until after you graduate, which, at the rate you’re going, will be never.

TEXTBOOKS:

Textbooks are very costly, which is why few students ever buy them. For those who do, I have some good news: Professors are now required to post the book’s “IMDB number” online. That way, a student can look online and see all the different movies a textbook has been in, before ultimately choosing not to buy it. For instance, one of my textbooks, Feminism and Skirt Day: Conflicting Ideas?, has starred in no movies.

I’m not sure how this is supposed to save us money, but no one buys textbooks anyway. Moving on.

FOOD:

Food is expensive, yes, but it’s also something that I would call a bare necessity. I once wrote a song about this, which I will gladly sing if you buy me four to seven beers at Cornerstone Grill and Loft.

As far as saving money is concerned, ramen noodles are inexpensive and technically qualify as food. If you’re spending money on anything else, you’re an idiot, and I bust your balls.

BEER:

Light beer at all times, except for weekends and weekdays.

Mike Sanders is a senior history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.