To be perfectly fair, movie musicals – such as stage-to-screen train wreck Rock of Ages – really aren’t my cup of tea. Without the emotional pull of exceptional works such as Chicago or Dreamgirls, viewers can struggle to find the point in watching a bunch of actors pretend to sing.
Whereas the stage version of Rock of Ages featured a cast of multitalented thespians showing off their chops live and in person, the film adaptation is a meandering, poorly structured mix of headache-inducing cinematography and flashy all-star karaoke.
The film’s a failure even by its own low standards. Rock of Ages is, after all, a musical review of 1980s hair-metal schlock with only the basic skeleton of a plot. With such a glossy premise, audiences could reasonably expect a glossy finish, but it can’t even deliver that.
Instead, the movie’s biggest failure is the supposedly sleek musical numbers. The choice of songs or the heavily auto-tuned booth recordings that play over the film aren’t the problem. As terribly unexciting as all that is, each scene becomes almost unwatchable due to poor direction, cinematography and editing.
Throughout the movie, viewers get close-ups of slender thighs and wisps of hair as the camera jumps and sways blindingly through crowds of dancers and singers. There was clearly some extensive blocking done for the dancers, but the camera work is so random it’s impossible to tell what’s going on.
In one scene, bland male lead Drew (Diego Boneta, Mean Girls 2) is supposed to give a monkey a high-five. As his hand flies toward the primate’s, the point of view inexplicably jump-cuts five times, circling the scene. It’s this kind of unfathomable directorial overreach that makes the musical unbearable.
Shockingly, the best parts of the movie are the overly long comedy skits in between songs. Tom Cruise (Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol) as rock legend Stacee Jaxx is the runaway star, and is aided by cameos from Bryan Cranston (John Carter) as the town’s mayor and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Lay the Favorite) as his wife.
The scenes featuring these characters are actually quite funny and are likely to keep the presumably bored audience members at least mildly interested. Because there’s essentially no plot, it’s easy to wake up after a lifeless rendition of “Here I Go Again” and enjoy a chuckle or two before passing out from lack of interest again.
There was simply no reason to turn Rock of Ages into a film. It doesn’t have a compelling story, and unlike a classics such as Singin’ in the Rain and Hair, its musical set-pieces are decidedly uninspired.
berman@umdbk.com
