Senior history major

Editor’s Note: The following is taken from columnist Neal Freyman’s letter to his mother.

Dear Mom,

Thanks for your call the other day. It was great hearing about the family, though Steve contracting chicken pox for the third time in a month is a little disturbing. But, Ma, even more disturbing is the number of questions you ask me. Constantly answering your incessant prying into my life is just too much for this college senior. So, this is my letter attempting to pre-emptively answer all questions you might have for me over this next week.

For the last time, I have appropriate clothes for the weather. It’s unseasonably warm for October, so, in all honesty, I don’t know how much use I’ll get out of the winter coat, gloves and scarf you sent me. But, I’d sure hate to get a cold, so I bundle up nice and cozy when the temperature drops below 75 degrees at night. Like you always say, I can’t take any chances with my health, especially with my final exams only seven weeks away.

Speaking of schoolwork, you’d be hard-pressed to find a more diligent student. I’m the definition of preparedness. Teachers and fellow students seem surprised when I recite the syllabus by heart on the first day of class. But, it saves paper, and it would be difficult for you to find a more interesting document than the campus policy on excused absences, listed on page 37 of the University of Maryland Undergraduate Catalog.

I’ve completely given up procrastination — you don’t have to worry about me cramming for a test or pulling an all-nighter to finish a paper. I’ve found spacing my work out over a long period of time is the key to success. Essays are much less stressful when adhering to my policy of writing one sentence a day starting the first week of school. That way, when the professor hands out the prompt, I have about three weeks for editing and revision, which, unfortunately, most of the time means a whole rewriting of the paper, because I was initially clueless about the topic.

Now, Mom, I’m maintaining such a healthy diet, I’m convinced you could cancel my yearly checkups with the doctor and I’d still make it to triple digits. The dining halls on the campus have an incredible number of food options, from greasy turkey sandwiches to fatty quesadillas to flavorless pasta swimming in an ocean of oily alfredo, marinara and pesto sauces. Of course, I don’t have to tell you I’m vegan now and remain loyal to the dining halls’ wonderful array of decomposing bananas and fluorescent carrots.

As for my drinking habits, you needn’t be concerned. I only allow myself one night for socializing every two weeks, allotting the rest of my weekend for attending wonderfully stimulating symposiums such as the Future of Bulgarian Biomedical Research and the Legal Issues for Maryland Gardeners Workshop. On the rare occasion I do “go out,” I take the utmost precautions to not drink and drive, even though my friends shoot me a puzzled look when I absolutely insist on them taking the keys to my car parked in our Massachusetts driveway. But, Ma, you told me to never take chances, and who knows what compromising circumstances I could find myself in under the influence of one shot of vodka (watered down, of course)?

Well, that’s all for now, Mom. I hope I answered all your questions and more. I have to run to class now, though, as I know for a fact writing letters to parents is not an excused absence.

Neal Freyman is a senior history major. He can be reached at opinionumdbk@gmail.com.