Editor’s note: Noah has published an apology for his response to the first question. You can view it here.
Dear Noah,
I’ve hooked up with my fair share of guys but I’ve never gone past second base … and I’m not really comfortable with going a lot further. But college is so different from high school and I feel like guys will walk away and find another girl if I don’t put out for them. I’m a strong believer in not having sex before marriage, and I’m not really comfortable with giving a blow job or hand job. How do I bring that up with guys without driving them away?
I sometimes wonder how straight women can end up with gay guys, until I hear questions from people like you. You don’t like giving head or hand jobs, and want to wait until marriage to have sex. You’re a closeted gay guy’s dream. He can date you and stick to second base, not having to deal with sexual contact until you’re married. And once you’ve tied the knot, he can just avoid having sex with you as much as possible.
You want a guy who will wait for you to be ready — I get it, and that’s completely acceptable. The only issue is that you’re in COLLEGE. You said college is so different from high school … but given your disinterest in sexual contact, it looks like you’re still stuck in middle school.
As you’ve already realized, there are many girls in college who will go further than you will. You’re competing with them to find the right guy.
That “right guy” may be the one who will date you without getting sex, blow jobs, or even hand jobs … but what if you end up passing up a “right guy” because you’re unwilling to do anything sexual with him?
You don’t need to break your values about having sex before marriage in order to find a boyfriend in college. But you do need to get over giving blow jobs and hand jobs. If you’re unable to pass second base with a guy, chances are he’s going to get bored and move on.
When there are so many factors in finding that “right guy,” including his personality, looks, values, interests and (most importantly) heterosexuality … you can’t afford to be uncomfortable with hand jobs and blow jobs. It’s just not worth it in the long run to be so incompatible on such a common thing.
Also, even if you do find a straight guy who is willing to wait, his sex drive is probably extremely low for him to be able to do forgo sexual contact for so long. And when you finally do have sex, if you realize you love it and want to do it all the time, he may not be as excited as you are.
Sexual compatibility is vital to a good relationship, which is why so many people don’t wait until marriage to have sex. It’s going to suck for you if you realize the guy you’ve let yourself fall in love with is horrible in bed.
I’ll even be nice: I’ll let you stay uncomfortable with giving handjobs. Let’s face it: us guys know how to do it better than any girl can. We’ve been practicing for years.
But get over giving head, and move past second base with a guy you’re interested in. I’m not saying you need to do it after a first date, but you definitely need to do it before marriage. You need to remove that barrier of discomfort, and get used to going past second base. He’ll also reciprocate, which will be extremely pleasurable for you once you’re not nervous anymore.
If you absolutely hate it, I guess you can keep refraining from any sexual activity … but you may also end up being a gay guy’s beard. I know I would have loved to find a girl like you when I was closeted in high school. Good luck!
I really like this guy and I want to get to know him more. He’s the kind of guy I could really get serious with. Here is my dilemma; I have a Grindr addiction. I am on Grindr for most of the day and really enjoy meeting the guys. If I date him can I still be on Grindr? Is that cheating? I don’t know what to do. Advice welcome.
For those reading this who don’t know, Grindr a type of GPS, or Gay Positioning System. A lot of guys (both closeted and out) use it to hook up with each other, although some use it just to see who’s around or to keep track of their friends. No matter why you’re on it, you always get messages from people asking you to hook up with them. It’s actually kind of hilarious, fun, and slightly dirty.
It’s also easy to be bored and look on the app to see if anyone has messaged you — kind of like checking your Facebook notifications, except every message is a guy who finds you attractive or is interested in you. Great self-esteem booster.
Now, to answer your question: Of course you can still be on Grindr. If a guy is too insecure to let you be on Grindr, then he’s not fit for a relationship. Being on Grindr is not cheating. Meeting up with guys, however, is not okay.
Yes, some people say they’re looking to meet “friends” on Grindr. But let’s be honest: no one is worth dating who finds their friends on an iPhone app. So that’s not an excuse. And if you’re meeting up with guys, it’s a slippery slope on the path to cheating on your boyfriend.
Some partners get jealous if the person they are dating goes out to a bar without them…that’s too much. If your partner is getting jealous when you meet up with guys off of a hookup app, though, it’s completely acceptable.
The guy you’re interested in should trust you until he has a reason not to. Once he has a reason not to trust you, then he’s allowed to make you delete Grindr. Until then, he needs to let you keep it.
If you don’t think you can keep the app without using it to meet up with guys, though, you need to delete it. Using it isn’t cheating, but if it’s going to be your enabler to infidelity then you need to get rid of it.
And one last thing: Make sure you talk to him about this. There’s nothing worse than crossing an undefined boundary that you didn’t know your partner had. If you’re in doubt about what the boundaries are in the beginning of a relationship, talk to your partner and figure them out. Don’t just assume you can do something if you haven’t discussed it first.
You always want to err on the side of caution. That way you can avoid shooting yourself in the foot because of a mere lack of communication.
