In a horror movie, the first impression is golden. So when I found myself biting back guffaws at the flesh-eating nuclear mutants in The Hills Have Eyes, I knew I had nothing to fear – except the 90 minutes of cinematic drudgery that would follow.

One mutant was crouched over, jovially gnashing on an oversized hunk of dog carcass as casually as if it were a piece of Popeyes’ extra crispy.

The same comedic, juvenile tone underscores everything that happens in Hills, French filmmaker Alexandre Aja’s adaptation of the 1977 Wes Craven film of the same name.

The film follows a suburban family traveling through the New Mexican desert. After accepting “shortcut” directions from a grouchy gas attendant (a big no-no in the horror genre), the family winds up stuck in an abandoned nuclear testing zone. This also is the home of the aforementioned angry mutants (how delightfully predictable!). These freaks evolved when the government began nuclear testing and … ahhh, it’s not important.

Naturally, bickering ensues between the family members. The two adult men, cell phone selling, clean-cut Doug (Aaron Stanford) and Bob (Ted Levine), his gun totin’ father-in-law, split up to find help (big no-no No. 2).

The rest of the family, a hippie-turned-hardcore-Christian mother (Kathleen Quinlan), her annoyingly rebellious daughter, Brenda (Emilie de Ravin, Lost), her goodie-goodie daughter Lynne (Vinessa Shaw) with baby in tow and her comical son, Bobby (Dan Byrd), are left behind in the RV to fend for themselves in a place where, (surprise, surprise!), cell phones get no reception (no-no No. 3).

In the first part of Hills, about half the family is knocked off by the eerily deformed dudes. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am – this movie’s about killing.

Not to be a freak, but unfortunately the way these people die just isn’t exciting. People are quickly shot to death by the flesh-eating mutants, instead of being slowly and painfully devoured by them. The whole point is they’re flesh-eating mutants, right?

The mutants themselves are disappointing. They appear more bored and horny than vengeful and deadly. They playfully sing and laugh while torturing their victims – they even try to get some from the girls – before turning murderous. It’s not that it’s not gruesome, it’s just that it’s not, well, scary.

When the family fights back, it’s pretty pathetic, with a few exceptions.

Enraged over the capture of his baby, Doug finds his inner bad-ass – losing a few fingers to a hatchet and bleeding from practically every orifice – but never once quits the fight (or amazingly, ever shows pain).

The biggest cheers, however, went to the family’s faithful canine, who’s the smartest of them all. Even though he loses his companion, Beauty, he still outwits and slays the mutants till the very end. His name, quite fittingly, is Beast.

If you’ve got eyes, divert them from Hills. Anyone who’s seen a good horror flick will wind up rooting for the dog. And unless you’re watching Air Bud, that’s never a good sign.

Movie: The Hills Have Eyes | Verdict: C+

Contact reporter Raquel Christie at diversions@dbk.umd.edu.