Skirt Day. Since 2008, this “holiday” has plagued this newspaper and, subsequently, the student body (pun not intended). The idea of celebrating a fabricated day in spring marking the reemergence of short skirts caused a bit of a stir that year, and people have brought it up every spring since, choosing not to let the offensive and degrading day die the death it deserves. And while I will not address Skirt Day 2011 directly (anymore), I will strike early, fight fire with fire and discuss a different day — Too-Tight Gym Short Day.
This day is anything but celebratory.
A day that strikes fear into the hearts of adults and children alike, Too-Tight Gym Short Day is a day in spring when young men across the campus don their gym shorts from high school and take to
McKeldin Mall, the gyms, the dining halls and even classrooms. These shorts are scarily tight. Nowhere — and no one — is safe. To quote Juno MacGuff, “All I see is pork swords.” And I’m scared I’m going blind.
What did we do to deserve this punishment? More importantly, why didn’t those gym shorts get thrown out after that high-school growth spurt? Those shorts can’t be comfortable — this apocalyptic day in spring is also accompanied by an excessive amount of adjusting. I don’t know if it’s pure obliviousness that leads to this phenomenon, if it’s part of a bizarre mating ritual where the young male needs to “flaunt what he’s got” to attract a mate or if it’s solely men’s misinformed idea that we all want to see their junk. False.
One of the worst parts about this day is that it is preceded by its cousin, a day in the fall or winter, Too-Tight Sweatpants Day. Again, young men across the campus raid their parents’ houses for their high-school sweatpants and pull that drawstring way too tight. Thankfully, this does not seem to be as big (pun intended) of a holiday as TTGSD, but it is still up there in the problematic arena. Essentially, there is no relief — all year long, the general public is subjected to eye-burningly tight menswear.
I understand shorts and sweatpants are expensive at the University Book Center. But I also understand that you can use $20 to buy five pairs of shorts at Rugged Wearhouse and still have enough left over to get Chipotle for dinner. And the clothes at Rugged don’t dip below size XL, so there shouldn’t be a problem covering up the family jewels.
Guys, Skirt Day is already offensive enough; there’s no reason to offend everyone (and their eyes) once more with your own revealing article of “clothing.”
To the public: We don’t have much power as we find ourselves hurtling toward this impending doomsday. All we can do is gently encourage our gym short-clad friends to visit a store that has adult-sized clothing available.
Until they do — hide your kids, hide your wife because someone is bound to lose an eye.
Ellen Linzer is a senior English major. She can be reached at linzer at umdbk dot com.
