Wish there was a Sex Life: 101 class?
Have a question you want to submit anonymously? Send it to http://tinyurl.com/8qbl65c or email noahknows@umdbk.com and it could be answered in next week’s column.
I have had the same boyfriend for three years now. Last year, a mutual friend of ours told me that he had been cheating on me for a while. I was angry and wanted to take revenge, so I started cheating on him almost every weekend. I was at a very difficult stage in my life and that was the only way I could think of to increase my self confidence and get back at him. He doesn’t know yet. But he also doesn’t know that I know that he’s cheating on me. Do you think cheating on somebody is justified if the other person is also cheating on you?
Cheating is bad because it involves deceiving your significant other, which can greatly hurt that person. It doesn’t really matter what has already happened to you, because the “wrongness” of cheating isn’t about the cheater—it’s about the person being cheated on.
Even if he cheated on you, it doesn’t make it any more “right” for you to cheat on him. But the bigger issue, in my opinion, is how you reacted to the situation in the first place. Why would you even continue the relationship? Why not confront him? Why not just break up with him?
Maybe you didn’t confront him because you like the idea of being able to hook up with other people — maybe the best thing for both of you is to have an open relationship. By continuing to deceive each other, you’re only perpetuating an unhealthy dynamic. Who knows? Maybe he’s thinking the same thing as you: Maybe he knows that you cheated on him, and doesn’t think you know about his cheating.
Think about this: you were both able to cheat on each other multiple times, while still maintaining your relationship. Wouldn’t it be easier if this “cheating” was actually a form of “messing around on the side” that was condoned by both of you? Open relationships exist — it’s just that people don’t walk around advertising the fact that they are in one.
If the idea of an open relationship is horrific to you, then break up with him. You’re both wasting your time if you think you can continue to lie to each other. You’re in college — these years are limited. You don’t want to be stuck in a relationship where you’re cheating to increase your self-esteem.
Whatever option you choose, act on it quickly. The worst thing you could do is to continue down this path. Change it, or you’ll be looking back on your college years with a whole lot of regret.
Dear Noah,
I am a female with a long-term boyfriend, and some startling news recently came to light. He told me that one night he met a dude from Craigslist and they jerked off together while watching Star Wars. He’s always been a big fan, but this is ridiculous! They met again and rubbed their….junk together. Help!!!! He says he’s not gay, but I’m still confused. Do I break up with him? Or buy a strap on?
It sounds like you’re not the only one who’s confused. Although your boyfriend says he isn’t gay, he clearly has some kind of sexual attraction to men.
He may know exactly where he lies on the spectrum of sexuality … or he may have no idea. There are a huge amount of variables in play here, and it’s not your job to figure them all out.
You also didn’t mention anything about the fact that he cheated on you. I’m not sure if you consider his being with another guy as cheating, but let me tell you: Be careful, because if he is gay, he’s not going to be able to live up to the normal expectations of a girlfriend. Your intimate relationship will slowly dissolve into friendship.
If he’s bi, that’s no excuse for cheating on you either. Bi people are just as capable of being monogamous as gays and straights. You need to address the cheating with him. If you’re okay with him experimenting with guys, that’s up to you. But you should have him tell you before he does it, and not after. That way, a level of trust is still maintained as he experiments with other guys.
But be wary of these “experimentations.” Craigslist is full of people with STI’s, and I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to worry about. Your boyfriend could get one, even just from rubbing his “junk” with another person’s. He can be the most honest boyfriend in the world, but it won’t stop him from getting an STI and giving it to you.
My advice would be to end things with him until he can come to terms with himself. If you really want to stick things out, make him be honest with you. But this is college — there’s literally too many fish in the sea. Like I said earlier: Your time in college is short, so make the most of it … and don’t waste your time on people who aren’t worth it.