I don’t know about you, but my head is already spinning because of the amount of crap on my plate for this, my final semester. You’d figure one wouldn’t have any qualms about a schedule with a challenging curriculum that includes intermediate weight training and advanced bowling, but alas, such is not always the case.

Turns out pumping iron and wielding the old gutter-ball arm is much more taxing when you throw in a delightful cornucopia of activities that ultimately suck the free time and sanity out of your already complicated life.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Writing theses that determine whether you actually graduate, interning and holding down two or three other jobs that steal 80 hours of your week so you can earn credit and pay for this money-grubbing institution and taking that supposedly easy “A” class with four 10-page papers.

And that whole picking a career thing? Screw that. Every time I have thought about it, I’ve broken into a fit of rage, and someone or something has gotten hurt. On that note, R.I.P. Puss the cat, my roommate’s favorite pair of jeans and that guy who touched my butt at Laundry World.

Many of you have equally gut-wrenching stories about hectic schedules and dome pieces on the verge of exploding. And I’m sure it seems there is no brighter side that exists beyond bitching and moaning to whomever is stupid enough to cross your warpath. But as much fun as ripping someone a new one can be, I have recently discovered after some lengthy, meticulous legwork that there is a better way.

What I’m bestowing upon you now are excerpts from the survival kit I created for those times in college when your brain is so fried you could call Denny’s and have a skillet named in your honor. It’s called, “Amie’s Guide to Avoid Being Convicted of Murder and Committed to an Insane Asylum Before Graduating From College.”

1. When you’re feeling really worked up, think about the moron who originally quoted, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Take a quick trip to the market for those tart items (five to 10 should do) and chuck them in the face of the first poor sap you encounter. Not only does this feel really good, but you are doing the world a huge justice because we all know lemonade tastes like urine.

2. When time permits, take a moment to reflect upon the kid you tormented in grade school. Give him or her a call and let it be known you are truly sorry for all the teasing and/or beatings you dished out. This allows the immediate relief that comes from knowing you won’t be bludgeoned to death when that person finally cracks.

3. Alternately, if you were that kid, finalize your list of people you plan to execute for making your youth a living hell. Knowing you have a concrete list will allow you to better focus on your studies and graduate with honors. When you are on trial for 20 counts of premeditated homicide, the media will credit society for warping the mind of such a well-educated person and you may be let off for temporary insanity!

4. Already ran naked across the Mall in an attempt to let off steam? Try exposing yourself to men and/or women at the local retirement home. Residents don’t have the pleasure of viewing this on a daily basis and who knows, you may get a few numbers.

5. Dr. Ruth once said, “Nobody can die from sexual frustration.” But Dr. Ruth is a crazy old German lady that doesn’t know diddly. Dr. Amie Ward, a proven genius on everything, recommends massive amounts of sex and masturbation for instantaneous tension relief. If an unwilling partner, restraining order or lack of hand use cause issues, opt for pornography and instant gratification. Just make sure you have a working sound card.

Please take these suggestions to heart when contemplating how you are going to survive your semesters on this campus. I assure they are foolproof, but I make no guarantees on coming home with 90-year-old Gertrude or Wilfred’s phone number.

Amie Ward is a senior kinesiology major. She can be reached at award3@umd.edu.