In previous years, The Diamondback has fielded a columnist who has served as a student expert on relationships, dating and sex in college. These columns taught readers crucial life lessons in a humorous way that, while they often hit a little too close to home, were certainly enlightening. This year’s freshmen have been forced to face the terrifying world of college relationships without the valuable guidance of a seasoned expert. In the absence of such a person, I had the brilliant (my words, not my editors’) idea to write my own version of an advice column.
Right about now you are probably asking, “Rob, what qualifies you to give advice on dating and relationships?”
The short answer is: absolutely nothing. I am far from an expert on relationships. If I really had profound insight into relationships, don’t you think I would be out having one rather than writing this column? What I do have, however, is a bi-weekly column and the grudging respect of my editors. (Again, my words, not theirs.) That being said, you should probably stop reading this column now; I solemnly swear it will do you no good.
Because no reader has ever sent me a question about relationships, I have taken the liberty of devising some questions myself. What follows are several questions that I imagine people might ask me if given the opportunity.
Dear Rob, Longtime reader, first-time writer, love the column. (Thanks!) I just wanted to ask you how to approach this girl I am interested in. I am pretty shy and am afraid I won’t know what to do or say. Thanks for the advice. —Nerdy Underclassman
Well, Nerdy Underclassman, I think we have all been there. (Here I am using “we” in the royal sense, as I know I have been there.) My fear of approaching women is comparable only to my fear of heights and spiders — or maybe my fear of tall spiders. There is a lot to worry about. If you worry about it too much you are probably better off just going home and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the umpteenth time.
But you can do this! Now, there are a couple approaches you can take depending on the situation, the girl, your own personal strengths and whether you have deep, soulful eyes. Avoid using lines, even if you think they are hilarious. Instead, talk about something you think you have in common with her. If what you have in common is that you both think she is hot, just try being yourself; if she doesn’t value you for that then she isn’t as great as you think.
Dear Rob, Cute picture! As a girl, I always worry that I am reading into things too much, overanalyzing everything and more or less just acting crazy. How do I know what my boy is thinking? —Wonderstruck in Denton
Dear Wonderstruck, I am afraid you are not going to like my answer, but in reality us boys are just as crazy as you girls (some of us even more so). Just ask him, chances are he may not even know what he’s thinking. The key to a healthy relationship is communication. Whether it be defining what you are to each other in an age where we have more words to describe romantic affiliations than Eskimos have for snow (42), or talking about something that is bothering you. Just be honest and communicate. And if knowing what he is thinking is a matter of life or death, you can always go visit the psychic at Madam Flora.
I could go on, but when it comes down to it, just be a nice and decent person and everyone will be better off. And good luck finding that special person who makes it all worth it. If not, I hear Cornerstone Grill and Loft has some specials tonight.
Rob Riker is a senior government and politics and history major. He can be reached at riker at umdbk dot com.
