In the years since computer-generated imagery (CGI) made its first appearance in mainstream filmmaking, there have been far too many movies about talking animals — specifically, dogs.
And it is with no restraint that this critic declares the newspaper-comic-strip adaptation Marmaduke to be the worst, most off-putting talking-dog movie of all time. May it forever sit atop that throne.
If you have a child and you don’t want this child to grow up believing that dogs are in fact like high school teenagers from the movie Mean Girls, stay away.
This trash heap of a film sets up with Marmaduke (Owen Wilson, Fantastic Mr. Fox) and his human family moving to a new, more urban area. The recognizable Great Dane — a cartoon character created in 1954 — has to deal with the cliques of the dog park, including the hippie dogs, the superior dogs and his own group of lovable misfits.
There are even lame dog parties and the parties where all the cool dogs, known as the pedigrees, go to hang out. The absurdity of such a premise is laughable on paper, but seeing it play out on film is indescribably upsetting.
There’s even dog romance. But where Disney’s 1955 Lady and the Tramp was charming, Marmaduke produces a feeling akin to watching organized T-ball. It’s funny because it’s so awful. For some, this may actually be a valid form of entertainment, but embarrassingly uneasy dialogue plagues every scene.
If you want to retain any semblance of respect for the actors and actresses who lent their voices to this movie — after apparently not reading the script at all — leave Marmaduke alone and play with your own dog.
Be advised, this movie includes Kiefer Sutherland (Monsters vs. Aliens) who, after nine glorious years on television’s gripping 24, decided that action hero Jack Bauer’s voice could best be used to portray Bosco, the leader of a rival dog gang.
If only to make things weirder, the Wayans brothers and Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas contribute their voices alongside film talents Emma Stone (Zombieland) and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (How to Train Your Dragon). Oh yeah, there’s also George Lopez (Valentine’s Day) — as a cat.
If you want nothing more in the world than to hear people yell, “Marmaduke, no!” approximately 600 times over the span of almost an hour and a half, then this is the movie for you.
For the rest of us, pretty much any comedy might actually have more comedic depth than Marmaduke — a movie that shows how big a dog is in as many ways as possible. His head pops out of a convertible, he’s too big for the doggy door, he demolishes an arcade machine by dancing on it. The list goes on.
What heartless media mogul (or idiotic focus group) had the nerve to throw an animated dog, dialogue from the mind of a 10 year old and a plot resembling Mean Girls into a live-action movie and call it a day?
As a film, Marmaduke simply shouldn’t exist.
RATING: 0 stars out of 5
truben@umdbk.com
