There is something very wrong with the University of Maryland campus. And no, it’s not racism, misogyny or heteronormative bias. It is a flagrant disrespect toward one of humanity’s greatest institutions: the high-five. Specifically, it is a hideous disregard and contempt for the most sacred and powerful of all high-fives — the “running high-five,” also known as the “mobile five.”
For the painfully uninformed, the running high-five is hand-on-hand contact between two individuals when one or both parties are in motion. For example, if I am running down the street and I high-five someone waiting for the bus, or if I high-five another runner as we pass each other on the sidewalk, that is a running high-five. However, the name can be deceiving. Neither party has to be running; one or both could be walking or riding a bike. All that matters is that at least one person is in motion. It is a simple but powerful gesture. Because it is likely to occur between people who don’t know each other, the running high-five has the effect of strengthening one’s sense of community. When your hand meets a stranger’s with that kind of force, a deep feeling of unity surges through your body, reminding you that we’re all in this together.
Pretty easy concept to grasp, right? Well, let me tell you my horror story. I was running across the campus. It was cold, and due to the lack of any winter clothes in my closet, I was wearing shorts and a windbreaker. Momentum was the only thing keeping my body from keeling over. I was reaching the final leg of my journey when someone manically jumped out in front of me. She was waving her right hand erratically, shouting something my headphones made impossible to hear.
Concerned for our mutual safety, I ripped off my earbuds and turned my head every which direction, trying to locate the serial murderer she was clearly fleeing from. When I didn’t see anything, I looked at her and exclaimed, “What!? For the love of God, what??”
To which she calmly replied, “Dude, I just wanted to give you a high-five.”
No. No, no, no. You cannot do that. The running high-five is not so crass. I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve seen such a perverted display, but that would be a lie. The running high-five is a lot like high society: Everybody wants to be a part of it, but the ignorance of most people will forever deny them the honor. And that is because, a lot like high society, the running high-five has a set of unwritten rules largely unknown to the layman.
First: Eye contact must be established long before actual contact occurs. Before any kind of high-five can happen, both parties need to be aware of the other’s presence. If you just wildly insert yourself into someone’s field of vision, they’re more likely to think you’re assaulting them rather than offering a friendly gesture.
Second: Once eye contact has been established, one party has to clearly signal to the other that, “Yeah, this is happening.” The easiest way to do this is to simply extend whichever hand you wish to have high-fived. Ideally, this signaling should happen a few moments after eye contact and several yards before actual contact. Yes, it is a very short window, but this is the Kobe beef of high-fives. If it were easy to pull off, it would hardly be as powerful.
Third: Either party has the right to refuse the other’s high-five. This is perhaps the most important rule to remember, because there is nothing more painful than having your gesture of brotherhood or sisterhood rebuffed. In this situation, the worst thing you can do is display anger or indignation. The idea is to strengthen the campus community, not divide it further. Don’t take it personally. There could be any number of understandable reasons why your high-five was rejected — germaphobia, severe arthritis, hatred of all things wonderful in the world, etc.
Now, I know what you’re going to say: “Tristan, you’re just making all this up to rationalize your inordinate anger toward someone who really didn’t mean any offense.” And, yeah, that’s about it. But I’m in too deep now.
So what can be done? Well, just by reading this, you’re off to a good start, but this must be a group effort. Thousands of your brothers and sisters still wallow in ignorance. You must rise to the occasion. Rise! Serve as an example for your peers and proclaim from the highest mountain top, “I will not be an accomplice to ignorance! I will not denigrate the high-five, running or otherwise; I. Will. Celebrate it!”
Oh, and add that I told you so. Credit where credit is due, right?
