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It wouldn’t be a Fifty Shades of Grey Valentine’s release day without a package of our favorite sex scenes.

1. Zack and Miri Make a Porno and porn tropes

When people think of romantic sex scenes, few probably think of porn. Somehow, Zack and Miri Make a Porno manages to invoke these expectations before subverting them, all in one scene.

I genuinely did not intend to see Kevin Smith’s comedy about a group of friends that decides to film a porno to make ends meet, but it was making its debut the night before I moved to College Park before starting freshman year. I also genuinely did not expect to enjoy the film as much as I did, but its tongue-in-cheek sex scenes and lovable cast made it a raunchy comedy with a lot of heart.

The movie draws quite a few chuckles out of the sheer awkwardness of porn tropes; ask anyone on the campus about corny porn tropes, and they’re likely to invoke the idea of a busty blonde paying for a pizza delivery with sex. Though the movie establishes the friends were uncertain with how they would have sex on camera, Zack (Seth Rogan) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) play this scene almost straight with their coffeehouse sex romp. The scene features cheesy, blatant innuendo and uncomfortably awkward dancing. However, when it comes time to do the deed, longtime friends find it hard to keep up the act.

As Zack and Miri start getting hot and heavy, the scene shifts from the porn shoot’s camcorder view to a more intimate angle. While the rest of the crew focus on filming, the change in lighting and angles show that Zack and Miri’s encounter is a little more romantic than perhaps even they anticipated. 

The choice of soundtrack really sold the scene for me: ’90s alternative rock group Live’s previously unreleased track “Hold Me Up” echoes the passion and electricity of the scene perfectly. Since seeing the movie, it’s gone on to become one of my favorite pump-up songs.

The scene revels in two different types of corniness: cheesy porn set-ups and overly sappy romantic sex scenes. However, in juxtaposing the two, the emotional encounter between Zack and Miri is heightened and sets the tone for the rest of the film.

Who says porn can’t be sweet?

— Zoë DiGiorgio

2. MacGruber and the sex grunt

Sometimes, late at night when the sky is at its darkest, I hear a sound. It echoes in my head and keeps me awake, tossing and turning with horror. It rips at my soul with terrifying aggression, making me numb with trepidation. If the devil were ever to stand beside me, this sound is what I imagine he would whisper in my ear.

What is this utterance of evil? It’s the MacGruber sex grunt.

Anyone who has seen the 2010 movie based around the recurring MacGyver-like character from Saturday Night Live knows what I am talking about. There is one scene in that hilariously awful movie whose bizarre cringe-worthiness has never been matched in the history of cinema.  

Let’s set up the romance: MacGruber (Will Forte) goes to a cemetery to visit the grave of his dead wife (played by Maya Rudolph). The special operative is wracked with guilt because he has just slept with another woman. Mid-apology, his wife’s ghost shows up and five seconds later, it’s business time. Naturally, Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings” plays as MacGruber and the ghost of his wife get down to it. What happens next is the wildest man-ghost lovemaking this world has ever seen.

The passion is punctuated by both parties verbally expressing their pleasure. MacGruber’s grunt is reminiscent of all bad things in this world. It makes the spine tingle with fear. His wife just says “wow” repeatedly. Their love is one of primal physicality — no sense in trying to elaborate on it. The scene ends 45 seconds later with the awkward finish you would expect.

So, this Valentine’s Day, if you find yourself in a situation of intimacy, think about anything besides MacGruber.  

— Michael Errigo

3. The Room: Horribly unsexy, unintentionally hilarious 

When it comes to bad movies, Tommy Wiseau’s rom-drama The Room is an absolute gem. Called “the Citizen Kane of bad movies” by Entertainment Weekly, The Room is a cacophony of terrible acting, bizarre plot, cheesy music and laughable dialogue. All of this makes for a handful of rather unsexy love scenes. However, it’s the perfect formula for cringe-comedy love scenes!

The 100-minute movie features five sex scenes, each one miserably unsexy in its own right. Let’s set the tone for the first one, which begins after only five minutes of film and clocks in at just less than three minutes long.

Protagonist Johnny and his fiancee, Lisa, have just sent away their teenage friend who — bizarrely — thought it was socially acceptable to follow the couple up to their bedroom (we don’t get any explanation for who the kid is until much later in the movie).

Cue the cliche R&B music and begin the foreplay montage. Two full minutes of foreplay montage, that is, including everything from dancing and laughing, to kissing and laughing, to playing with roses and laughing (Johnny’s “honh-honh-honh” chortle haunts me still today).

That’s only the start of The Room’s problems. Later sex scenes are paced equally as boringly and slowly, showing shot after shot of the same contortions. The sets are so cliched it seems satirical: a four-poster bed with curtains, roses, candles.

To call the acting “comically poor” would be an understatement. Between the writhing faces of pleasure and the actors grappling at each other like high schoolers in the back of a car, The Room ruins any chances of a romantic mood. But thankfully, it’s still a pleasure to watch for its unintended laughs.

— Leo Traub

4. Was They Bangin’? A quest for the truth

Like it or not, the tight-collared restrictions of our Puritan ancestors still affect much of the way we think and act today. For example, we are totally cool with showing mutilated corpses on television as long as their remains are modestly clothed. But most creators know that sex sells, and so they constantly taunt us and remind us of it but shy away from actually showing it. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day and celebrating sex, I’ve compiled a list of fictional characters who’ve teased us with their constant flirting and sexual tension in order to conclusively set the record straight on that age-old question: was they bangin?

Fred and Daphne

Fred and Daphne: Scooby Doo

This one has always puzzled me. Why would anyone ever even suggest that Fred and Daphne were smashing? Because they’re both beautiful, sexual beings of immense power? Because a romantic relationship is constantly hinted at? Because literally every episode Fred says, “Shaggy, Scooby, Velma, you guys go search the scary mansion full of murderers; Daphne and I are gonna hit the liquor store and hang out in the back of the Mystery Machine. Knock before you come back”? That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. Also Fred is definitely a youth group pastor, though I’m not sure if that’s evidence for or against.

VERDICT: Was not bangin’

Lord Squigelby Farthingshire and Lady Jelena Tuppence-Tuppens: Downton Abbey

Even though the two lovebirds never actually did the horizontal tango onscreen, Downton Abbey makes it very clear that these two were getting it on. The way they looked at each other across the table at Duke Pippin Bumblesnout’s dinner party in season two, the way Jelena grabbed Squigelby’s hand when Constable Nigel Pumphrey told them about the death of Duchess Gwenda Puffbottom in the pilot episode, and who can forget the steamy night the two spent together in Macklemore Manor? While the British aristocracy may be a dying dream, fading away like the powdered remains of a once-precious marigold, worn away by the ceaseless wind of time, Jelena and Squigelby kept it going all night long.

VERDICT: They was bangin’

Rod Steele and Lexxxi Love: Busty Babes 9

(We refused to print any of the images from the film Busty Babes 9 that Daniel submitted for this article.)

Everyone enjoyed the will-they-won’t-they relationship between the stars of the heartwarming drama series Busty Babes, but after the ninth installment fans were left frustrated by the relationship between Rod Steele, the plumber who suspiciously never showed up with any plumbing tools, and Lexxxi Love, the “groin doctor” who I’m almost certain didn’t have a medical license. The series has since concluded, and though it remains popular, fans will never know what exactly was going on between the two. When I asked some longtime Busty Babes lovers if they thought the two was bangin’, the answers ranged from “Yes, of course they did; it was a porno” to “Did you not watch the movie? That’s literally all they did,” but no consensus could be reached.

VERDICT: Inconclusive

— Danny Parisi