Three ‘Nutcracker’ adaptations that would have Tchaikovsky spinning in his grave

The Nutcracker in 3D

It’s rumored that while Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky diligently worked on the music for his storied ballet The Nutcracker, the musical titan entered a friendly bet with a comrade. The friend, whom history has kept anonymous, foolishly wagered that Tchaikovsky couldn’t write a melody based on the successive notes in an octave, which is basically just a scale.

He did that and more, creating the score that backs Clara’s romantic dance with the nutcracker prince, the same score that leads into the most pervasive Tchaikovsky composition: “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” Little did he know that same music would be blaring from radios, shopping mall speakers and televisions every December.

The Nutcracker is about as synonymous with Christmas as red and green wrapping paper and flashily decorated pine trees. Everything about the ballet, from the score to the plot to the characters, has dozens of related works, though some are more like shameful second-cousins three times removed than direct descendants.

Here are the top three Nutcracker-themed films, shows and on-screen representations that would make poor old Tchaikovsky wish he’d never taken the bet in the first place.

1. The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

This movie might seem innocent enough, but I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. Receiving a 0 percent — that’s right, zero — on Rotten Tomatoes, this movie is the opposite of a whimsical fairytale. It’s everything a film shouldn’t be: confusing, ugly and utterly unlovable. Largely abandoning the original plot and adding Tim Rice lyrics to Tchaikovsky’s score, the movie is a steam punk nightmare, set in the 1920s, with just a dash of Holocaust metaphors and a guest appearance by Albert Einstein, here known as Uncle Albert, the Viennese reincarnation of Uncle Drosselmeyer. The nutcracker doll belongs in Tim Burton’s Coraline, and the script belongs in the trash with old tinsel and broken Christmas lights.

2. Barbie in the Nutcracker (2001)

I’m not sure why, but we had two copies of this film at my house as a kid. Again, abandoning much of the famous ballet’s plot, computer-generated Barbie dolls dance to an uninspiring tale about kindness and bravery. As insipidly charming as Barbie and her friends are, there is something intractably unsettling about watching animations of plastic dolls. By that I mean the characters still look plastic. Computer animation tricks can’t fix Barbie’s limited joint movement or lack of a spine.

3. The Hard Nut (1991)

Mark Morris’ creation premiered on PBS television as a part of the network’s Great Performances series. In an interview, dancer and choreographer Mark Morris said he wanted to find out why the music of The Nutcracker is so moving. To do so, he channeled comic artist Charles Burns’ illustrations and ideas about adolescence in a drunken, pop culture-soaked Christmas reflection. Though dark, zany and missing a Sugar Plum Fairy, the adaptation is actually a pretty interesting ­— and frightening — take on Tchaikovsky’s work. Bleak but intensely entertaining, the ballet transports Tchaikovsky’s stiff, proper ballet to a far more relatable and low-brow 1970s suburbia, complete with outrageous, garishly patterned costumes. Everyone is pretty much always drunk, and in the end, Clara and her prince dance the entire final waltz while French-kissing. So there’s that.