Great. You’ve taken it to the bedroom. Here’s what to listen to while you’re sealing the deal.
I Invented Sex – Trey Songz feat. Drake
If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought sex was invented way before than the 2009 release of Ready, Songz’s third studio album — if not by 2005’s “Make Love Tonight,” certainly by 2007’s “No Clothes On.” There’s a lot of questions raised here. Did he file a patent? Is it licensed for distribution? Did I illegally download the coital blueprints when I torrented this joint? In any case, millenials should revere Songz for inventing sex just as they were hitting their post-pubescent stride. Thanks, Trigga :’).
Two Weeks – FKA twigs
Tahliah Barnett’s sensual trip-hop is the polar opposite of the decidedly unsexy sound of post-freshman 15 flesh slapping post-freshman 15 flesh. All parenthetical asides — “(I can f— you better than her)” — and come-ons shying into lewd territory (“My thighs are apart for when you’re ready to breathe in”), it’s a bit of a homewrecker’s anthem. Fun fact: Since September, Barnett’s been dating Robert Pattinson (of shiny-vampire fame), who might know a thing or two about the other end of the homewrecking spectrum. Now that’s a heartwarming story of love, loss and redemption.
Differences – Ginuwine
Romance isn’t dead — it’s just in hiding. Ginuwine’s got it under lock and key in a maximum-security vault presumably located in the corporeal realm but possibly somewhere beyond the ether. The ’90s crooner takes it there and everywhere with this song: places it’s never been, places it was never intended to go and places it ostensibly will never will visit again. “Differences” is responsible for, like, 85 percent of babies born between 2002 and 2005. That’s a great track record.
Come Thru – Drake
Delete that 3:30 a.m. “U up?” text you’re thinking about sending. Imagine the purest, most life-affirming booty call of all time — then raise that by a power of infinite. We slept on this track last year — we included “Hold On, We’re Going Home” instead — and we were so very wrong for that one, dear readers. Drizzy didn’t write “Come Thru” so you could send an eggplant emoji that represented something other than asking for your girl’s eggplant parmigiana recipe. He’s debonair, suave, just balls-to-the-wall charismatic — raise your game accordingly, wannabe sex-havers. Nothing Was The Same, indeed.
Bangin’ The Headboard – R. Kelly
The undisputed master of sex jams, R. Kelly’s got ’em for days. Off 2009’s Untitled — which easily could’ve found a name along the lines of Taking You to the Brink of Sexual Ecstasy and Beyond — “Bangin’” is a relatively tame gem that nevertheless manages to steal the spotlight from a host of tunes that frequently skew toward pornographic. Kelly’s highly touted stamina verges on superhuman: “Start it all over again/ Second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth wind/ ’Till the morning comes, I’ll be going in, yeah.” It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and you gotta believe that’s some Olympic-worthy endurance.
Words I Don’t Remember – How To Dress Well
Tom Krell, the man behind How To Dress Well’s ghostly R&B, is working toward a doctoral degree in philosophy, but he’s likely already written the entire curriculum on sonically stimulating your every erogenous zone. It’s a confessional ode to an unnamed someone — perhaps The One™: “What is love but nothing more than anything you wanted, baby?” And it’s definitely something you’ll want to have queued up when you’re getting biblical with a special someone of your own.
Mrs. Officer – Lil Wayne feat. Bobby Valentino and Kidd Kidd
The Young Money taskmaster stopped cracking genitalia-related one-liners long enough to drop this glorious single, the fourth and final off 2008’s groundbreaking Tha Carter III. Wayne lofts one right over the plate, and the angel-voiced Bobby V. knocks it out of the park on the chorus. That’s a little something called teamwork. Barring a Rodney King reference — a surefire misstep on any potential bedroom-worthy ballad — it’s the cherry on top of any sexual soundtrack and smooth as hell. “I said ‘Lady, what’s your number?/ She said ‘911.’” Damn. That’s so real.
Angels – The xx
Sometimes you just need a song that conveys all the tragic nobility of two drunken, glassy-eyed Bentley’s patrons relentlessly smushing their bodies together after a night of downing overpriced shots. The sparse “Angels” fits the bill nicely, with Jamie xx’s signature ethereal soundscape overlaid by Romy Madley Croft’s tiredly resolute vocals. Lie back and let The xx carry you into the throes of a post-coital hangover.
Champagne Coast – Blood Orange
There’s something to be said for subtlety, but sometimes you just gotta let the bae — potential or actual — know the score. That’s where Devonte Hynes and his trademarked brand of sweet, off-kilter pop come in. Faced with the refrain of “Come to my bedroom/ Come to my bedroom,” your beloved would be hard-pressed not to take the hint. Whether he or she chooses to enter your den of depravity and dirty laundry or run screaming in the opposite direction is up to him or her. That’s none of my business.
Body Party – Ciara
Superproducer MikeWiLLMadeIt really outdid himself with this track, one of 2013’s best. It’s a markedly different tone from the both the onetime Queen of Crunk and Will, who’s better known for club bangers — the MiCy-assisted “23” and Future’s “Move That Dope” come to mind — than R&B that’s positively begging for a bed (or floor mattress; we’re on a tight budget here). Genre-bending notwithstanding, Ciara’s best “Touch My Body”-era Mariah Carey impression is a good look all around.
Blush – Mr. Twin Sister
Long Island’s music scene doesn’t lean particularly erotic, given a legacy of mosh pits and a prurient interest in emo revival. Mr. Twin Sister might not be the hero the area deserves, but it’s the hero it needs. Slinky and lush with a saxophone solo to boot, the track’s everything a DIY basement show isn’t, evoking a late night at a haze-filled bar spent wining and dining a cabaret singer. Or ordering Papa John’s for two in a Knox Box slated for demolition backed by Spotify’s “R&B Love” playlist. I’m not a romantic.
Here’s the full playlist:
