Chipotletiquette

Chipotle, also known as the birthplace of the nondiarrhea-inducing quesarito, is delicious.

As some of you may know, I twerk at the College Park location. Literally just butt convulsions, no serving or crew-member duties, just anaconda-don’ting. And let me tell YOU, s— is busy.

To say the least. It’s still one of the highest-grossing Chipotles nationally and internationally to date. And. The line. Is always. So. Long.

But what you may not know, is the speed at which Chipotle employees do their jobs. Let me put it into perspective.

You come into the College Park Chipotle like “omg so hungri gurlz” and wait in line. Usually the line is to the door, right? Well, brace yourselves. In 15 minutes, if we’re grooving and jiving, and our team is hip-hoppin’ and poppin,’ we can get through a whopping 50 customers. That’s 50 people. In 15 minutes.

In the time it takes you to microwave two potatoes, we’ve already spooned rice, beans, meat, tomatoes, corn, sour cream, cheese, guac and lettuce as well as closed or wrapped things 50 times. From “What would you like?” to “That’ll be $7.25.”

Fifty people. In 15 minutes. A different transaction every eighteen SECONDS.

Order through five people, pay, take your water cup and leave in about 18 seconds.

Eighteen seconds and you’re out. F— yeah.

So, because we work the tits and grits out of ourselves for the beauty that is your bowl or burrito, there are some ground rules; things an employee has yet to disclose. The unspoken, unwritten rules that are about to … be written … spoken … rules, or what I like to call: Chipotletiquette.

Chipotle Etiquette, for those who don’t regularly combine words together.

Here. Are their stories.

That was the introduction to Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Not this list.

1. When you’re in line at Chipotle and you feel the urge to answer the text that your grandmother’s second cousin just sent you, DON’T RESPOND. Not that we’re trying to be your mom at the dinner table, but seriously, can it not wait? I want to smash your screen with my face and then make a burrito using phone shrapnel and flesh when you don’t pay attention to questions.

2. Don’t order a burrito after we ask “What do you want?” and point to the BOWLS. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? A bowlbito?!

3. If you’re ordering more than two things, do it online. We don’t have time to make you 17 bowls for your 17 illegitimate children. And even if they’re legitimate. Use the Internet.

4. Take a different colored rice if we’re out of the other one.

5. We have strict rules about portion size. If you don’t get “extra this,” we feel bad for you. But we can’t do anything about it or we get yelled at by management. WE HAVE COSTS. Don’t give us a puppy-dog pierced-soul look, instead, ask for double. Double meat is only $2.25 extra and worth what else you’d be spending on … a Snickers bar? But what’s more tasty … DATMEATDOE.

6. You ordered a quesarito; you didn’t cure cancer. Don’t seek praise from the crew or others in line. You’re paying too much for one meal. Your wallet and anus are upset. You’ll be unable to s*** for the next six days.

7. If we run out of something, don’t act like we severed off your left breasticle, kindly say, “Oh, OK,” and move the f— on.

8. If you’re getting a fork and it just so happens another fork is attached to your fork, do not convulse until the other fork detaches itself. Have you ever heard of shaken forkbaby syndrome? The fork will fly places it shouldn’t go, such as the floor, counter or, unfortunately, toward the 76-year-old veteran who ordered his first chicken and guac burrito. Now he’s blind. Forever shadows. Nice job.

9. The trash is overflowing? Don’t place your trash on the floor, on a table you’re not sitting at, in the recycling, on the counter where the forks are or on the mound that is already trash-canically erupting before your eyes. TELL SOMEONE THE TRASH IS FULL. If that seems out of the cards for you, eat your cardboard, paper bag and foil along with your meal.

10. If your burrito breaks in the process of rolling and you get angry, we will mentally fork you through the ears. El-oh-el at it, pay for your meal and wait patiently on the sideline.

11.This applies anywhere: Don’t be an a——. You’ll get a small amount of rice, no meat and a s—– roll. We don’t create infant-sized ’ritos for people we think should never create infants.

Chipotletiquette.