Senior accounting and finance major
In Noah Robinson’s Wednesday column, “Hump Day Conversations: Swinging a relationship,” Robinson answered a question from a girl whose boyfriend wanted to “swing.” The girl “want[ed] to be open” with her boyfriend, but felt this was “too much.” It was a very delicate issue in need of a delicate response.
Robinson’s response was, in some ways, very well-put. He suggested the girl break up with her boyfriend because it would save them both the pain of trying to reconcile their different desires for the relationship. As he put it, “the point of dating is to find someone who shares your values and not one who will change them.” This is a fair analysis, and definitely relevant advice.
In addition, though, Robinson spent some of the column discussing his views of the questioner’s boyfriend and his potential desires. Noah felt the boyfriend “doesn’t value [her] the way a partner should.” He suggested she save herself the emotional stress of trying to be his therapist, which he implied the boyfriend needs.
Robinson also tried to diagnose the boyfriend’s reasons for wanting to swing. He hypothesized the boyfriend may have been cheated on, which made him insecure about monogamous relationships. He also suggested the possibility that the boyfriend’s parents were unfaithful to each other, and this taught him at an early age to crave relationship infidelity. It’s implied that no sane, well-raised individual would be interested in swinging unless they had deep emotional problems, and that the boyfriend needs a therapist, not a steady girlfriend.
To insinuate that the boyfriend is either lacking in values or in need of therapy, though, is incredibly wrong. I don’t know the guy — he may actually have gone through childhood trauma, or had a bad breakup (haven’t we all?). Equally likely, though, is that he simply has a different relationship orientation. The girl is simply monogamous, but the boy could fall into any number of categories, from swinging to polyamory.
Robinson implying that the boyfriend will cheat is unfair; though the boyfriend might prefer to swing, that does not mean he will automatically cheat if he can’t. Polyamorous people are as capable of self-control and restraint as anyone else.
I am the wrong person to explain exactly what polyamory is, as I fall under the umbrella of monogamy. However, based on discussions with polyamorous people and some reading online, I would describe it as the feeling of genuine openness to loving or engaging in sexual activity with multiple partners. Polyamorous people can — and usually do — find loving, committed relationships, but will often equally love and commit to multiple partners at the same time. For a more detailed breakdown of the different types of polyamorous relationships, I suggest reading Wikipedia.
The polyamorous people I have encountered in my life are some of the most stable and rational people I know. They develop strong emotional connections with their partners. They have real, loving relationships and can even be happily married with children. Though their relationships are often hidden to avoid social stigma, when you get to know them as people, they are just as open and happy about their relationships as anyone else.
The difference between polyamorous and monogamous people is simply one of numbers. Some people are predisposed to loving and committing to one person; others are predisposed to loving and committing to many. It’s not a choice, or a moral flaw; it’s simply a different way of loving.
Just like it would be wrong to demonize an LGBT person for his or her relationship decisions, it was wrong to demonize a polyamorous person on the same grounds. Robinson’s advice was sound, but his moral judgment wasn’t, and it had no place in a relationship column — or anywhere else.
Ezra Fishman is a junior accounting and finance major. He can be reached at ezra.fish@gmail.com.
