Q: There’s a boy I met who I really hit it off with. We began texting a lot, and we’ve hung out a few times, but I’m scared he might be looking for something more. I don’t want to lead him on, so how do I tell him I’m not interested but also make sure we remain friends?
A: The elusive relationship between two people of the opposite sex in which neither has any sexual desire for the other person is like a tiger – beautiful but rare, and usually doomed for extinction. In college, you’re unlikely to meet a straight guy who is willing to discuss the emotional penetration of John Mayer’s lyrics without the promise of a very different kind of penetration. Unfortunately, girls are the illegal immigrants to the proverbial ballot of friendship. You have no vote in this matter. There is no making “sure we can remain friends.”
If you have the personality for making guy friends, they’re bound to materialize, and if not, they’re sure to overlook you. I don’t know you, so I won’t assume you don’t have what it takes (well, I will). If you actually have substance, I see cuddle-less sleepovers and peepshow-free shopping trips in your future. Either way, it is your responsibility to make your intentions clear, which could mean surrendering him to the girl behind you wearing a wife-beater as a dress. There’s nothing you can do about that – it sucks, but it’s your own fault for assuming he wanted to be your friend in the first place.
There is a host of ways to send the “I’m not interested” message. Firstly, with almost no exceptions, TEXTING = FLIRTING. While you don’t have to be rude and ignore his textual advances entirely, you can mitigate the flirtatiousness by never texting first or last and never texting at inappropriate hours. By keeping the giggling and hair-twirling to a minimum, you can usually convey your intentions to a perceptive guy, but some are more oblivious. Laying down your boundaries verbally will probably offend him. So wait until he makes some sort of move that cannot be misinterpreted as friendly and then pounce.
The way to introduce the topic is to look him dead in the eye and say, “Should we have a conversation about this?” He’ll probably answer with a speech about how much he has enjoyed the time you’ve spent together and how he’d love to “take it to the next level.” If he opts instead to shower you with physical compliments, you might be unbearably hot, and it’s clouding his ability to remember the connection he feels. The more plausible alternative is he feels no great connection and has merely failed to generate an imaginative compliment on the spot. With seconds left on the shot clock, sometimes shooting “You just have no idea how sexy you are” is all it takes to score. If you do, in fact, have an idea of just how sexy you are and he’s the disillusioned one, box it right out.
When you turn him down, it’s important to maintain an attitude saying, “I’m sure you’re not really that interested in me.” This provides him a viable escape route and lessens the blow. The worse the rejection, the worse the chance of friendship. Tell him, because you met in a friendly context and assumed the relationship would progress in said direction, switching gears would be impossible, and you simply “don’t see him in that way.” Every guy understands this as code for “I’m not attracted to you” (or if they didn’t, now they do), and, if you’re brave enough, that is really the answer you should be giving.
After this impossibly awkward encounter, it’s usually best to hang out one-on-one very soon. Group activities leave too much room for avoidance, a pattern that is especially tough to break in new friendships. Aim for activities that are in public, have time limits on them and are generally casual. A bad example: “hye come 2 the bar and meet of outside im drnk.” A good example: “I have 700 diner points to spend before tomorrow; would you like to get lunch in between classes? Might I suggest all of the cookies?” A steady (but not too steady) regiment of these activities should catapult you to the friend zone in no time.
Esti Frischling is a sophomore art major, so she literally has nothing better to do than answer your questions. She can be reached at frischlingdbk@gmail.com.
