Man vs. nature conflicts have lent pathos to some of the most profound literature and cinema – Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, James Cameron’s Titanic, to name a few.
Poseidon, unfortunately, is more on par with the likes of Baywatch on this front. Indeed, David Hasselhoff’s take on Mitch Buchannon is a far more complex turn than any of the “acting” in this film, a remake of 1972 shipwreck classic The Poseidon Adventure starring Gene Hackman.
The original would leave the bravest soul feeling slightly claustrophobic at the prospect of boarding an ocean-liner. This reincarnation, however, will make you hesitant to ever enter a movie theater again. Hackman must be rolling over in his La-Z-Boy right now. (That’s right, Gene’s not dead, he just hasn’t worked in three years.)
The effects are gaudy and conspicuous, the characters are mean-spirited and flat (Showgirls flat, not Charles Dickens flat) and the story consists of little more than calamity after calamity.
The first glimpse we get of the grand luxury-liner Poseidon should be a stunning vista a la Titanic. Rather, a sweeping shot of the ship reveals it to be a tacky, golden-orange CGI monstrosity.
After that we’re whisked into the grand ballroom to meet a variety of increasingly less-interesting folks, all of whom have irrelevant back stories that are clumsily explained in usually a paragraph of dialogue or less.
Former New York mayor and concerned father Robert Ramsey (Kurt Russell, Overboard) constantly has one eye on daughter, Jennifer (Emmy Rossum, The Phantom of the Opera), and her sheepish boyfriend, Christian (Mike Vogel, Supercross).
Jacinda Barrett (Ladder 49) and annoying child actor Jimmy Bennett (Firewall) play the obligatory helpless mother/son combo, while Freddy Rodriguez (Chasing Papi) and Mia Maestro (ABC’s Alias) play a chef and his stowaway guest, respectively.
The film’s focus is on Dylan Johns (Stealth’s Josh “I haven’t actually read a script since A Beautiful Mind” Lucas), a card-playing loner/scoundrel with a heart of gold.
Also on board (pun very much intended) is the still-alive-but-barely Richard Dreyfuss as Richard Nelson, a sad sack who, as it’s revealed in the first few minutes, happens to be gay and therefore sports a huge diamond stud earring.
Make no mistake, seeing Dreyfuss with bling in his ear is unexpected and creepy, kinda like seeing Dick Cheney with some.
No doubt the producers were thinking, “No one’s gonna believe Dreyfuss is gay, he was in Jaws for Christ’s sake. How can we gay him up a bit? Maybe – a 24-carat stud earring? Perfect!”
Aside from the mesmerizing jewelry, Dreyfuss’ character also can lay claim to the most ludicrous line of dialogue. (And there are oh-so- many to choose from).
After an enormous tidal wave capsizes the ship (a slow-motion sequence that makes big promises but fails to deliver), the ballroom miraculously remains dry, albeit upside down. With a straight face, Dreyfuss informs a fellow passenger, “I’m an architect. These ships weren’t designed to stay afloat upside down.” Well thanks a lot, Frank Lloyd Wright, we’ll keep that in mind.
The rest of the film consists of Dylan and company trying to find their way through the bowels of the vessel and out to the propeller shaft.
As the group advances from galley to elevator shaft to crawl space, each room becomes harder and harder to negotiate. Occasionally director Wolfgang Peterson, best known for last botching Troy, cues up the token shot of the fake boat sinking in the bathtub, just so we know what sort of mortal peril our heroes are in.
Along the journey, each character seems to make miraculous character changes at no point in particular. Dylan and Richard suddenly become selfless and Robert warms up to his daughter’s beau, though what prompts these attitude adjustments is anyone’s guess.
The lone bright spot in this god-awful movie is Kevin Dillon, best known to HBO’s Entourage fans as Johnny Drama. He seems to be the only one producers let in on the fact that they weren’t trying to make Titanic and so, knowing full well how cheesy the flick would turn out, Dillon hammed it up, providing some of the few moments in which the audience actually laughed with the film.
Poseidon is a stunning example of how wooden great actors can appear when given direction and dialogue not even fit for television commercials. With $160 million at his disposal, Peterson has crafted the worst, most pointless film of the year. Well – that might not be fair. I still haven’t seen Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.
Movie: Poseidon | Verdict: D-
Contact reporter Patrick Gavin at gavindbk@gmail.com.