So, incoming university President Wallace Loh doesn’t appreciate his kids cursing like sailors at a football game against a bunch of sailors Really? Really? You want to create a sportsmanship committee?
OK, Loh, I’ve got your [expletive redacted] sportsmanship committee right here (I’m grabbing my crotch right now … and making a pirate face).
Seriously, though, he does have a point. It is a problem that people are offended by student chants. It is a problem that people are afraid to take their kids to games without using earmuffs, and it is a problem if people are reluctant to hire university graduates based on football revelry. It is a problem because these people are idiots (or they’re from Iowa — innocent, Midwestern sensibility and whatnot).
Loh finds himself in a tight spot. People at sporting events of every level curse. This is not going to change. I repeat, this is not going to change. Likewise, there will always be people with virginal ears, an obsession with political correctness or a Y-chromosome deficiency. These people are always going to complain.
Loh can’t ignore the complaints because he is the incoming president and must assert his dominance. So Loh bumped heads with Student Government Association President Steve Glickman, and their synergistic brainchild was a sportsmanship committee.
Time for a history lesson. Once upon a time, the hip-hop community faced a similar struggle. Overzealous old white people demanded hip-hop music be pulled from the radio airwaves, thus totally cramping rappers’ ability to wax poetic about life on the street. Hip-hop’s solution? Invent new words that white people have never heard, such as skeet skeet.
This was a brilliant move on their part, but unfortunately, it is an act we cannot follow (not enough street cred). That being said, however, I fully support the creation of a sportsmanship committee and subsequently nominate myself to serve as its commander-in-chief. Our goals will be twofold: We shall strive to a) be as offensive as possible, while b) offending as few people as possible.
Politics is hard work. So I’m going to fly back to the University of Iowa for a couple weeks, but when I return, I’ll have a big announcement: In the spirit of compromise, I hope to incorporate Loh’s unannounced-yet-inevitable diversity platform into the sportsmanship committee’s modus operandi. We will thereafter create a new student fan club to be titled”Loh’s Pendejos.” The plan of attack is brilliant: By using a diverse palette of vulgar language from outside the United States, we can be horribly offensive without offending the stupid people around us! Further, our reliance upon exotic profanity shall galvanize international support for our university.
As a nation of immigrants, we can easily curse opposing athletes in their ancestors’ native language. The running back’s last name ends in a vowel? “Fotti tua madre!” Is their possibly German power forward particularly ugly? Call him an Arschgesicht. When discussing the topic of foul language, Vice President for Student Affairs Linda Clement noted: “Our students are more sophisticated and more colorful than that” — and she’s right! Linda Clement, I don’t know what nationality you are, but if it’s Swedish, then you should go eat a bag of flens! I’m just joshing you, Linda. Here, enjoy some Swedish Fish. Save some for Loh.
Christopher Haxel is a junior English major. He can be reached at haxel at umdbk dot com.
