Golden ID student taking classes in biology

My name is Zipper — Dick Zipper. And as names go, I think that’s a pretty funny one.

As a kid, I learned how to laugh along and see how many variations of “Hey Richard, your zipper is open” kids could come up with. I would belittle those who were not original: “Egads! I have heard that one only 100 times before. Is that the best you can do?” When I started dating, it was a pretty good icebreaker. When I ran for University Senate at the State University of New York at Albany many years ago, I believe the “Check your Zipper” signs got me elected. So the name has worked out for me.

Back in the day, when my parents named me, Richard was one of the top 10 baby names. I think most people back then associated the name with “King Richard the Lionheart”: a brave, wise and noble leader. However, the nickname Rick for Richard somehow evolved into Dick, which somehow became a street word for penis.

So some of us ended up with pretty funny names — and these are real people: Dick Face (Australian politician charged with corruption), Dick Pole (a major league baseball player), Dick Finder (a urologist), Dick Trickle (a NASCAR driver), Dick Armey (a former congressman) and, according to whitepages.com, 195 Dick Heads in the U.S. (with 21 in Georgia alone).

Before I continue with this childish (but fun) name-related humor, I think we should take a break for the educational portion of the column; after all, we are in college. The word aptronym means “a name which relates to its owner’s profession or personality, often in a humorous way.” The first part of the word, “apt,” was intentional.

So here are some aptronyms. Some of these make you wonder if these people chose their careers because of their names – or if they should consider changing professions. These are real people. Dr. Fingerhood (OB/GYN), Dr. I. Ball (optometrist), Dr. Looney (psychiatrist), Dr. Croke (cardiologist), Dr. Hacker (plastic surgeon) and of course Dr. Cockburn (urologist). Then there are the dentists: Dr. Phil Wright, Dr. Les Plack and Dr. DeKay. Sue Yoo is a lawyer, Brad Slaughter a supermarket meat manager, Linda Toote a professional flutist, Sir Russell Brain a famous neurologist. A. Forest Burns is vice president at the American Forest Resource Council and, my personal favorite, Cardinal Sin, was head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines.

Then there are names that are just fun. After all, wouldn’t it be cool to go on a hike with Chip Monk or talk about the Civil War with A. Blinken? And while most of us would like to have everyone chanting our name in an athletic competition, Olympic pole-vaulter Kim Yoo-Suk may not.

What is in a name — especially an unusual name? They can be fun, and they can be a source of teasing. They certainly make you stand out in a crowd. So when you become a parent, if your last name is Lee, refrain from naming your kid Brock; if your last name is Baum, please stay away from Adam; if your last name is Bath, Anita may not be a good idea. Remember, although a rose by any other name is still a rose, roses do not have to attend elementary or middle school.

Richard Zipper is a Golden ID student taking classes in biology. He can be reached at opinionumdbk@gmail.com.