The semester is coming to a close and, like the majority of university students, I’m stressed beyond belief and ready to snap at the next person who even looks at me in a funny way. But my duty remains to be your biweekly entertainer and, as always, I come through in the clutch.

My inspiration came just the other day while listening to the radio. I heard callers giving “shout-outs” to their “boos” and “dawgs” on air. Brilliant! Not only did these people sound extremely intelligent and creative in their use of the English language, but I could truly feel passion in their tributes. Of course, it seemed only appropriate that I do the same and pay my respects/insults to my home-skillets in the CP area (pronounced: er-ia).

To the bathroom attendant in the Santa Fe Café ladies’ room: Thanks for all the Softsoap and paper towels. Your assortment of chewing gum and cigarettes is like none other in the area. Damn your puppy dog eyes and silent demeanor; they get that dollar tip out of me every time.

To the sassy señoritas at Chipotle: Thanks for that 5,000-calorie burrito with the extra thwap of guacamole and the free love handles. I know you might be saying mean things about me while my mouth waters all over your sneeze guard, but I don’t care. Nothing says love like a burrito, baby!

To the girl on the elliptical trainer at the CRC: I’m not sure if you are aware of this, but that adorable logo printed on the back of your tiny gym shorts earns your backside a fair amount of ogling from the male population at the gym. And perhaps you shouldn’t announce so loudly that you didn’t know who you woke up next to over the weekend. Oh, and by the way: Your cheeks are showing.

To the study group in the elevator of McKeldin Library: It was me!

To the sandwich artists at Subway: Why are you so damn stingy with the extras? Do you really think your store’s supply is going to suffer if you give a girl a few more pickles and black olives? And why do you guys always look so damn angry? I’d like to give you a hug, but I’m afraid you would go Mike Tyson on me and bite off my ear.

To outgoing Student Government Association President Aaron Kraus: Thanks for yapping my ear off for three hours for my last column. You still owe me 25 bucks for the parking ticket I received outside your fraternity house. Pay up, or I swear I’ll publish all of those “off-the-record” comments. You wouldn’t want that now, would you?

To the city of College Park meter maids: Thanks for doubling my tuition with your overzealous ticketing. My favorite part of the semester was when you guys slapped a boot on my car outside Cluck-U and embarrassed me in front of all the cool kids. I’m sorry I laughed when the overweight lady who came to take the boot off struggled and almost had a heart attack.

To Rugged Wearhouse: Thanks to you, pit stains and irregular inseams are now happening campus trends. Whenever we want to find something with a gaping hole in the neck, we know exactly where to go.

To local police officers: Thanks for the ride home in the drunk tank. Appropriate and nonoffensive words for a college newspaper column cannot express what that meant to me.

To Thefacebook.com: You bastard! As if meandering on Myspace.com 16 hours a day wasn’t bad enough, you had to come and give me something else to use as a form of procrastination. But thanks to you, I can proudly post a picture of my butt and watch the influx of “friends” pour in.

To The Diamondback: Thanks for letting me take out my anger with humanity this semester. Apparently my popularity has grown to where I am now known as “The Cynical Bitch.” I’d say that’s pretty awesome, no? P.S. Please hire me back for next year!

Amie Ward is a senior kinesiology major. She can be reached at award3@umd.edu.