WTF were we thinking?

It was either the great Hilary Duff or the poet Thomas Gray that once said, “Ignorance is bliss.” Reminisce for a second: Childhood was an awesome yet ignorant interval of time. If you are currently reading this, you should absolutely be nodding your head in agreement.

But I had a thought yesterday: What if I knew then what I know now? Everything would have been different and certainly not as blissful, aka not as fun. With that being said, here are five realizations that would have been capable of ruining my childhood.

Dippin’ Dots.

This commercial dessert may be nearly extinct now, but back in the day, I was obsessed. There’s something about spherical bursts of flavor that can excite a toddler. I was that toddler. Whatever.

Hindsight: What if you were eating a cheeseburger and it were shaped exactly like a hotdog? You would be freaked out, right? My point is officially proven. Dippin’ Dots does not count as real ice cream; it does not even look like ice cream. It’s ice cream for astronauts or people wandering through Willy Wonka’s factory — that’s probably why it was like crack for seven year olds.

Sock’em Boppers.

As a child, I completely underestimated the intensity of Sock’em Boppers. Those inflatable boxing gloves had the potential to break jaws.

Hindsight: Sock’em Boppers really helped me prepare for that Fight Club I never joined. They gave siblings an excuse to beat each other up. Lastly, even though they made your hands extremely sweaty, I secretly wish I invented them.

Jellie sandals.

Um, I do not even know where to begin. I had a pair of jellie sandals in just about every color imaginable. They were super “in” and, not to boast, but I was a very fashionable five-year old, basically a Spice Girl. Why were they so popular? That really is the million-dollar question.

Hindsight: It was a very weird trend. They are definitely the least protective shoes ever. Your feet were essentially gated by flimsy silicon, thus welcoming a party of splinters. Very fun!

Double Dare 2000.

Is it just me or did anyone else feel amazingly athletic while watching Double Dare 2000? I was just so confident that I could have completed those physical challenges with ease. And those questions? Completely frivolous but easy. Whether hosted by Marc Summers or Jason Harris, I wanted to be on that show. Sadly, my dream never became true.

Hindsight: This show did not receive an Emmy probably because it didn’t deserve one. In my eyes, it did. Even though my family never competed and won the grand prize, a trip to Universal Studios in Florida, we eventually went on our own time. But that vacation, combined with the title as Double Dare 2000 winners, would have been slightly more glorious.

The Lizzie McGuire Movie Soundtrack.

Hilary Duff is a queen and that’s not debatable. When Lizzie and Gordo ventured off to Rome, I had to follow their journey and by that I mean buy the DVD, buy the soundtrack and learn every single line and lyric. Not only was the film top-notch but the soundtrack was bangin’. Each song was definitely a staple in the non-existent coming-of-age puppet show depicting the life of Miranda Vega.

Hindsight: My feelings about this album have never and will never change. There’s only thing to say: “Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of…”