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The college basketball postseason tournament that we all have come to know as “March Madness” started last weekend. We saw our share of upsets (see Florida Gulf Coast, Harvard and La Salle) and 40-point wins (see Syracuse and VCU).
Brackets were busted left and right as people across the nation saw one of their Final Four teams lose in the early rounds of the tournament. But what if you filled out your bracket – as everyone does – based on criteria other than who has the best team or who is better at basketball? Well, I did just that.
I ventured into the unknown to find out which team would win this year’s NCAA tournament in four different categories: (1) Which team’s ‘mascot’ would win in a fight, (2) which team has the best uniform colors, (3) which school has the coolest single alum, and (4) which team has the best-sounding name on its actual roster. Each bracket will produce a winner solely based on each of these criteria – no matter how much basketball talent is on the actual Division I team.
It’s genius, I know. Try it yourself.
Mascot Bracket – Miami Hurricanes
Final Four: Michigan State Spartans, Iowa State Cyclones, Michigan Wolverines, and Miami Hurricanes
Snubs: Montana Grizzlies, Duke Blue Devils
It’s impossible not to pick a natural disaster as something that would win in a fight. I mean, a wolverine or even a Spartan couldn’t stop a hurricane. And to clarify, a hurricane beats a cyclone any day. It’s a bigger storm and results in a worse outcome. Last year when I did this, the Detroit Titans won it all – simply because they are immortal. I would have loved to see the Ole Miss Rebels make a run because no one stops bloodthirsty rebels, just ask the British. Miami so happens to be one of my teams in the basketball version of the National Championship so that’s cool I guess.
Best Name Bracket – California (Bak Bak)
Final Four: St. Louis (Grandy Glaze), UCLA (Shabazz Muhammad), Cal, and Wichita State (Fred Van Vleet)
Snubs: Villanova (Mouphtaou Yarou), Memphis (Hippolyte Tsafack)
As soon as I saw the words “Bak Bak” on the roster of Cal, the competition was over. And it’s really unfair for formidable competitors with equally cool-sounding names like Glaze and the crew. They are all fun to say – that’s the main criteria I was looking for in the “Best Name Bracket.” I have no idea if Bak Bak is good at basketball or not, but he has the best name of anyone in this tournament; and it’s not even close. First off, Bak sounds cool as either a first or last name – but he has it for BOTH!!
Alumni Bracket – Marquette (Chris Farley)
Final Four: Duke (Ken Jeong), Michigan (James Earl Jones), Marquette, and Pittsburgh (Fred Rogers)
Snubs: Temple (Bill Cosby), Minnesota (Bob Dylan)
Now this bracket may have come with some bias, but Chris Farley wins it for me – and he wins it in a way most others didn’t display. His most famous character, Tommy Boy, went to Marquette in the movie as well (just a little fun fact). Farley is the funniest comedian ever and one of my personal favorite. Jeong (that Asian dude from The Hangover) of Duke made a strong push for the title, as did Fred Rogers of Pitt. Did you know the man from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood has tattoos all up and down his arms from when he served in the Army during Vietnam War? I don’t know if that’s true, but c’mon, that’s why he’s there – not for his kids’ show.
Uniform Bracket – Marquette
Final Four: Oregon, Gonzaga, Marquette and Florida Gulf Coast
Snubs: North Carolina A&T, Indiana, Cincinnati
This bracket was tough to judge because (1) it’s based on a preference of the best combination of colors and (2) there were a lot of boring jerseys (i.e. Duke). However the ones that stood out are in my Final Four for a reason. Oregon and Marquette have some neon in there, with my winner coming because they use an impeccable flavor of light blue with their yellows and whites. FGCU uses the rare combination of blue and green, and Gonzaga usually just goes with “ZAGS” on the front of their jersey while proudly displaying the perfect blend of red and dark blue to give off that American feeling that we all wish we could rock.
So there are my brackets for this year. A little disclaimer: I spent way too much time on ranking the teams in four different categories – none having anything to do with on-court play. As for the actual March Madness tournament? I’ve got Ohio State beating Miami for the national championship. If one of them loses, my allegiances are all with the Eagles from Florida Gulf Coast University solely because of this website.
