It’s no secret that college students have some very tough decisions to make. And if this was actually a secret to you, then I’m sorry for ruining your life. Shhh, here’s a balloon. No more tears.
According to a study that I’m making up for the purposes of this column, nearly 40 percent of all major life decisions are made in college. Picking your major, choosing your career path and naming your bong are just a few examples.
(By the way, now would be a good time to mention that all my columns are brought to you by Milton. Thanks for the memories, baby.)
It wasn’t always this way. When we were younger, our parents made most of our decisions for us. Not that they controlled every aspect of our lives, of course. Many of us fondly remember when we chose our friends for the first time. And boy, did we screw that one up. How many of your childhood friends do you still hang out with? Even better, how many of them are now in jail? This was when we first realized we couldn’t make decisions very well.
All of that changed, though, when we got to college. We forgot about our inability to make decisions. For the first time in our lives, we were finally free from the oppressive oppressiveness of our oppressive parents. And there was much drinking and revelry because in the face of our newfound freedom, the first decision we made was to get blind stinking drunk.
Everything seemed pretty awesome — until we remembered that we suck at making decisions.
Take me, for example. During my first semester, I switched majors three times. I started off as a government and politics major. Then I switched to music education. I have no idea what compelled me to do this. Maybe I was spending too much time with Milton. It wasn’t until I became a U.S. history major that I finally found a comfortable fit.
Why did I switch majors so much? I think the actual answer is because I was drunk all of freshman year. But for the good of the column, let’s just say it was because I suck at making decisions.
Wow, what a good point. And look, here’s another. I feel like college students are encouraged not to think things through sometimes. Maybe that’s why we all suck at making decisions. We’re encouraged to act purely on impulse.
It starts early. As soon as we arrive on the campus, university administrators pressure us into immediately declaring a major. Our professors force us to buy all our textbooks early, even though we never use half of them. And if you don’t sign up for housing quick enough, you won’t get anything except a cardboard box. Forget about finding a compatible roommate — just sign up now! That’s how you ended up living with a convicted rapist sophomore year.
I just think we need to slow things down a little. I think you all know what I’m trying to say. Break out your bongs. Let’s do this.
I’ve got Milton ready.
Mike Sanders is a senior history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.
