You know something’s amiss when a university’s Wikipedia page utilizes 281 words explaining away the ridiculousness of its own name – and is still unsuccessful.

Most students on this campus think of it as the school on the other side of Lot 1 or “where the Marriott is.” Some may recall that one of the institution’s adjunct professors was charged with disorderly conduct in 2010 after a witness claimed he was touching his penis through his pants while looking at “suggestively dressed and suggestively posed” people on a public computer in McKeldin Library.

I’m talking, of course, about the University of Maryland University College. And I’d like to nominate it for worst-named university ever.

The reasoning should be pretty obvious, but in case it isn’t, let’s take a look: There are four words in the UMUC name – technically five, but “of” doesn’t count – and three of them are words used to describe an institution of higher learning. Two of the words are exactly the same. One word conveniently describes the location of UMUC.

It wasn’t always this way. UMUC used to be known as University of Maryland College of Special and Continuing Studies. But people don’t much like going to a school with the word “Special” in it, so in 1953, the school decided to find a less cumbersome name. Among the suggestions were “College of General Studies,” “College of Adult Education” and “University College.”

I’ll admit, University College itself doesn’t sound half bad – University College of Maryland, for example, sounds like a real place with students and professors. But in 1959, the University System of Maryland’s Board of Regents changed the name to University of Maryland University College, which sounds like something from the other side of the looking glass.

Officials may not realize it, but such a ridiculous name hurts the institution and, by extension, the entire USM. It doesn’t matter that “the name University College comes from Great Britain, where the term denotes an academic institution that takes courses and programs from all academic departments outside the university’s walls and normal class times.” What matters is, it’s a stupid name that belongs in the Department of Redundancy Department. People don’t want it on their resumes, which means they aren’t applying to the school. Students who do go there just call it UMUC because they quickly learn that stating the actual name leads to the same conversation, over and over.

I’m continually astounded by the confusing names found throughout the university system. University of Maryland, Baltimore County is confused with University of Maryland, Baltimore, which is confused with University of Baltimore. Confused? Good. So am I. The university system maintains three – three! – institutions of higher learning in Baltimore County that contain the words “University” and “Baltimore.” Meanwhile, other universities located far from other USM institutions – Frostburg State and Salisbury – have incredibly unique names that won’t confuse anybody. It’s almost like the Regents are just messing with people, hoping the entire state will get lazy and call every school “University of Maryland.”

I’m here to help. The Regents obviously ran out of ideas for college names, so I’m offering use of my own surname: Haxel. It’s a word associated with greatness and people who are worthy of adulation (just look it up on Urban Dictionary), so no worries about prestige. And I’m not gonna lie, College of Haxel University College has a nice ring to it. Or would it be University of Haxel College University? Haxel College of Maryland University Haxel College?

You know what, never mind; the Regents should just change UMUC to University of Maryland Extension School. It’s short, simple and unambiguous: the way it should be.

Christopher Haxel is a senior English major. He can be reached at haxel@umdbk.com.