I hear our university has recently spent an exorbitant amount of money to come up with a slogan nobody likes. How very funny of them. How cute. I also hear that many of you aren’t happy with what they’ve done. Believe me, I’m mad too. But I’m not mad at the university for the same reasons you guys are. I’m not mad about the $250,000 price tag or the fact that “unstoppable starts here” sounds like something I’d say to my latest lay right before our undoubtedly awesome sex. No, I’m mad because the university didn’t harness our greatest and most powerful asset: me.

I could’ve come up with a better slogan for a much lower price.

For a small lump sum of, oh, let’s say $40,000, I would’ve whipped up an awesome slogan all of us could get behind. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a sample slogan I’ll show you guys for free.

“University of Maryland: A pretty neat place that houses national treasure Mike Sanders.”

Wow! That’s an amazing slogan, and I came up with it free of charge. Can you imagine what kind of slogan I’d invent for just a small stipend? It’d probably have a lot of remarkable alliteration like my last sentence did — that’s for sure. And it would definitely be awesome.

But rather than using me as a resource, the powers that be instead decided to fork over $250,000 for something that doesn’t even describe the university. Where’s the mention of our rigorous academic programs in “unstoppable starts here?” Where’s the shout-out to our winning athletes? And for the love of God, where am I in all of this?

Look, I’m currently unemployed. I need some sort of job, and sloganeering is one of my many gifts. So put two and two together. Scrap “unstoppable starts here,” demand a $250,000 refund from whatever company in India (or Pennsylvania) you outsourced this to, place $40,000 directly into my checking account, and I’ll give you a damn slogan. I already showed you all earlier in the column what I’m capable of doing. Here, I’ll do it again.

“University of Maryland: Academics and sports and Mike Sanders and “I”-series courses and Testudo.”

Jesus Christ, I’m on fire. That slogan just rolls off the tongue. And though you may not have realized it, what I came up with touches upon all our university’s strong points: academics, sports, me, I-series courses and Testudo. You probably didn’t get all that at first glance, though, because I did it discreetly. I did it the right way, in other words. You can’t just create a slogan that only serves to feed your humongous ego. That would be gloating.

So I’m going to be a gentleman about this, university administrators: Let me be your sloganeer. Right now. Continuing to let other people decide the message and direction of this school is absolutely ridiculous. I humbly volunteer myself to do this, because I love this place too damn much to let it fall into slogan mediocrity. All I ask for in return is your support.

And $40,000.

Mike Sanders is a junior U.S. history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.