Seeking originality
Finally, a movie that understands the hassle of getting to the theater on time. Sure Hide and Seek may be one of the most ill-conceived horror films you’ll ever see, an unsavory blend of every Hollywood horror trope known to man, but if you hit Beltway traffic and are, say, one hour late to the movie, you’ll be ever so thankful you haven’t missed a thing you couldn’t have learned from the movie trailer.
Apparently director John Polson (the visionary behind Swimfan) didn’t get the memo that you are allowed to make a somewhat entertaining buildup, and a crappy twist ending needn’t come after over an hour of sheer monotony.
But there’s plenty of blame to go around for what looks to be an early front-runner for the worst film of 2005. Terrible acting, writing, direction — you name it, Hide and Seek has it all.
In a drawn out opening act, we find psychologist David Callaway (Robert De Niro) attempting to piece together his life after his wife’s suicide. Believing his young, grieving daughter, Emily (Dakota Fanning, Man on Fire), might benefit from more peaceful surroundings, David buys a spacious home in upstate New York.
Upon moving in, the creepier-by-the-minute Emily soon finds solace in an imaginary friend, Charlie. But Charlie, it turns out, isn’t too fond of David.
Emily and her new buddy play horrible tricks on David, including trying to sabotage his rebound relationship with new gal pal Elizabeth (Elisabeth Shue, Hollow Man). Meanwhile, pointless stock characters often appear without warning, including a nosy sheriff, suspicious realtor and emotionally unstable neighbors.
David turns to his protégé Katherine (Famke Janssen, X-Men) for guidance concerning his daughter’s invisible friend. She suggests Charlie is simply an extension of Emily’s thoughts and emotions.
But as the film drags on, the evil deeds Emily blames on Charlie grow more menacing. David and the audience are left to wonder whether Emily is psychotic or if Charlie really does exist.
The answer will hurt your brain. You’ll want to strangle screenwriter Ari Schlossberg for recycling some of the horror genre’s most idiotic contrivances and cramming them into what, God willing, will be the last script he ever writes.
Schlossberg’s story insults the intelligence of the movie-going public on so many different levels. For instance, how convenient is it that Emily keeps a diary and draws crude pictures so audiences might find insight into her character?
In fact, I challenge anyone to find one unique thing about this film. Everything remotely frightening, from the shrieking cat to the various bathtub-scare scenes, is lifted from better movies. Let’s hope Schlossberg soon discovers his true calling in life, because it sure as hell ain’t writing.
And it would be great if someone could please explain to me why Elizabeth is attracted to David. Is it secretly every woman’s dream to meet a man 20 years older than her with a deranged daughter, an ex-wife who recently killed herself and a quaint bachelor pad in the middle of nowhere?
While you could poke holes in the plot all day, the dialogue is equally horrendous. At my screening, half the theater burst into laughter when Fanning, who’s no Picasso, by the way, told the sheriff, “I’m drawing a picture of you … dying.”
While Fanning enjoys a meteoric rise (who knows why), De Niro seems to have officially entered the twilight of his career. Like Michael Jordan with the Washington Wizards, this living legend just cannot bring it like he used to and is waiting to be put to bed.
Hide and Seek, a more effective comedy than horror picture, delivers little more than unintentional, so-bad-they’re-funny moments. If it’s thrills and chills you want, seek another movie.
