The general public has been up in arms over this whole debt-ceiling disaster, which, after a quick Google search, I found out is not a good thing. It’s fairly catastrophic. If I had to explain how terrible it was, I’d say it’s kind of like health care, the potential government shutdown and Libya minus all three plus the debt ceiling. Like all good pundits and politicians, however, I know how to fix it. My solution is very technical, though, so bear with me.
First, a little expository information is in order. The debt ceiling is a legal limit on the amount of borrowing we can do. It’s a limit the government can’t exceed and still pay for all of its expenditures.
Just picture that one roommate who’s always asking for gum. You usually trust him because he’s always been good for it, but now he’s borrowing more gum than he can feasibly return. He’s lost his credibility with other people in the building, and they will be less likely to loan him gum and much more paranoid when lending gum to others.
The debt ceiling is the Post-it note you and the rest of your roommates put on his cork bulletin board that says he’s not allowed to borrow more than 10 pieces of gum if he wants to remain in good standing with the rest of the lenders in the building. If he doesn’t, the world ends. Either that or we’ll have more Juicy Fruit than Bubblicious (This last bit doesn’t really fit the analogy; I just think Juicy Fruit is totally whack).
One way to fix this whole gum fiasco is by lowering the national debt. Some politicians are advocating slashes to social welfare programs such as Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security and veterans’ programs. My dad’s a veteran, so these are not feasible solutions because they affect me personally. So, how can we fix this problem without inconveniencing me specifically?
In a July 19 article, The New York Times reported that “a leading medical advisory panel” recommended “that all insurers be required to cover contraceptives to women free of charge,” including birth control. Rather than decrease, my plan is to increase the cost of contraceptives to lower the national debt. It’s pretty ingenious if you don’t think about it.
If the government were to do this, women would be less prone to buying birth control and men less prone to buying condoms. This would result in more pregnancies. More pregnancies mean more people. More people mean more labor. More labor means more money. More money means I just saved America.
Problem solved. Who would have thought we were looking at this the wrong way the whole time? It’s not about money. It’s about the kids. So when President Barack Obama comes to the campus Friday, let’s all go out to Ritchie Coliseum and ask him the real hard-hitting questions. Why do you keep borrowing so much gum? Do you care about children at all? How whack is Juicy Fruit?
Michael Casiano is a senior American studies and English major. He can be reached at casiano@umdbk.com.
